Why Should I Compliment My Spouse? Do They Even Deserve It?

“It’s hard for me to compliment my husband. I don’t think he deserves it. I know that every home should have compliments, but for it to feel natural for me, I expect my husband to first prove himself, to show that he is truly worthy of praise. Only then might it be easier for me to compliment him. Is my thinking correct?”

Understanding Human Nature

We must understand a fundamental aspect of human nature. It is important for every person that their self image is valued in the eyes of others, and people are often willing to do a great deal to preserve this positive image. When a spouse feels that their partner sees them as a good person who does positive things, they naturally want to protect that image and will even strive to strengthen it.

It is a well known reality that in homes where hurtful phrases are regularly directed at one partner, the wounded partner gradually loses any desire to give or contribute. The inner message becomes, “My spouse thinks I am unsuccessful and ineffective, and nothing I do will change that perception, so why should I try?” In contrast, words of praise create motivation. They encourage a person to act in ways that match the positive image others hold of them.

Why Encouragement Matters

These processes lead to a clear conclusion. Words of encouragement are meant to ease another person’s efforts. If we genuinely cared about the struggles of others, especially when those efforts are for our sake, we would not encounter emotional barriers to offering encouragement. We do not hesitate to encourage our young children, and there is no reason to withhold encouragement from a spouse, who is closer to us than anyone else and from whom we expect so much.

Withholding praise places a spouse in a position of giving without emotional support. They are expected to invest, to contribute, and to care, yet they do so without the basic nourishment of appreciation. There is no justification for creating such a reality within a marriage.

The Power of Recognition

Our sages teach that if Reuben had known that the Torah would write, “Reuben heard and saved him from their hands,” he would have carried Yosef on his shoulders and brought him to his father. If Aaron had known that the Torah would record, “and he saw him and rejoiced in his heart,” he would have gone out to greet Moshe with drums and dancing. These great spiritual figures teach us that when people know their thoughts and actions are valued, they are inspired to do even more.

How Praise Builds Motivation

In marriage, a similar process occurs. A husband who feels that his wife does not value him will not see much reason to change his habits or invest additional effort. But when he feels appreciated and respected, he naturally wants to live up to that image and continue giving.

The same is true in the other direction. A husband who regularly compliments his wife for her efforts and deeds leads her to feel, often subconsciously, “For a spouse like this, it is worth investing.” When a wife praises her husband for his support and actions, she strengthens his desire to meet her needs. On the other hand, couples who rarely express appreciation, and who treat each other’s efforts as self evident, slowly weaken the motivation to continue giving. Over time, effort diminishes.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is a marriage counselor in the Shalom Bayit department of Hidabroot.