Navigating the Highs and Lows of Romantic Relationships

"I really don’t understand how we got to this point. Until now, things were great," said Yishai.

"You mean until the children were born. Slowly, all the feelings we had for each other began to fade, and we can’t seem to bring back the excitement we once had," Narcis replied.

"The excitement you felt in the relationship and the pleasant feelings you experienced were precious and beautiful.

"At the same time, it is that very excitement that may have contributed to the crisis you are now facing.

"That excitement sent you the message that the relationship happens effortlessly, without work or investment," I explained.

"We really didn’t put in the effort. Everything flowed naturally. Everything was spontaneous. We enjoyed each other simply because we were together," Narcis admitted.

"Maybe if we need to work to regain that excitement, then maybe the relationship isn’t good enough. Maybe we are just not compatible anymore," Yishai said quietly.

The Misunderstanding of Romance

This painful yet common struggle stems from a fundamentally mistaken perception of romantic relationships.

Many couples begin with a strong sense of chemistry and flow, believing that the joy of the relationship should exist naturally, simply by virtue of being together.

When the initial excitement fades, they try desperately to restore it. They plan romantic getaways, go out to dinner more often, buy gifts, change environments, and seek new experiences, all in an effort to recreate the spark. Sometimes it works briefly, but the feeling soon fades again, and they are left with the sense that something has ended.

These repeated attempts to revive excitement are experienced internally as proof of a lack of connection, or worse, as a lack of compatibility. If effort is required to feel close, then something must be wrong.

This is a mistaken outlook.

From Taking to Giving

It is important to understand that when someone says they no longer feel excitement in the relationship, they are often focused primarily on themselves. Each person unconsciously asks what they are gaining from the relationship, what they are receiving, and the more pleasure and excitement they feel, the greater the perceived reward. This perspective is deeply flawed.

The healthier perception is that the connection between a man and a woman is meant to reveal their inner goodness and enable them to build a shared life and family together.

A relationship should connect them to a place of giving, to the joy of caring for one another, to empathy, generosity, and shared growth. The very willingness to invest in building a life together creates genuine joy and renewed vitality.

At their core, Yishai and Narcis were searching for a relationship that would elevate them and bring forth their best qualities. But because of a mistaken mindset, they remained stuck in the question of what the relationship would give them.

They now need to move to the next stage.

If each of them can step away from placing themselves at the center and become more attentive to the presence of the other, they will begin to sense the quiet joy that comes simply from having the other in their life. The presence of the other becomes meaningful because it allows each of them to express the best parts of who they are.

In this way, a healthy relationship naturally draws two people closer, rather than pushing them apart.

Their commitment to one another becomes the greatest gift they can offer, allowing trust to grow and making real investment possible without fear.

When this understanding becomes part of their inner awareness, they can reach a deeper and more enduring connection.

This article was inspired by the insightful piece by Rabbi Yitzhak Shapira, Joy in Its Place.