The Child Within: How Inner Healing Shapes Our Relationships

I have noticed that most couples who come to my clinic struggle with challenges in their relationship that originate in the struggles they carry within themselves. One of the most common and significant difficulties between partners is the lack of harmony between their true adult self and their inner child.

The Three Parts of the Self

To understand this, we need to recognize that our identity is made up of three layers. The first is the lost self, the parts of who we are that we learned to suppress in response to social expectations. The second is the false self, the external persona we created to fill the emptiness left by that suppression and by the lack of sufficient recognition from others. The third is the denied self, the negative aspects of the false self that met criticism and were therefore rejected and pushed away.

The Primitive Brain and the New Brain

The primitive brain, which operates largely at a subconscious level, consists of two main parts. The first is the brainstem, the most basic and ancient layer of the brain, responsible for survival functions such as breathing, blood circulation, sleep, and instinctive physical reactions. It is located at the base of the skull and is sometimes called the reptilian brain because it exists in all vertebrates. For our purposes, we can think of it as the source of automatic physical responses.

Surrounding the brainstem is another structure known as the limbic system. This area is responsible for emotional responses such as fear and aggression. Together, these two systems form what we call the primitive brain, which governs most of our instinctive and automatic reactions.

The new brain refers to the cerebral cortex, the outer layer of the brain that is highly developed in humans. This is where our higher thinking processes occur. It is the part that thinks, analyzes, plans, observes, anticipates, organizes, and makes decisions. The new brain seeks logic and meaning, searching for a cause behind every result and a result behind every cause. It is also capable, to some extent, of moderating the intense impulses that arise from the primitive brain. This is generally the part we experience as our conscious self.

Learning to Respond Instead of React

Consider a couple enjoying a quiet breakfast. Suddenly, the husband criticizes the burnt toast his wife prepared. Her primitive brain immediately senses danger and activates a defense response. She may retaliate with criticism of her own, or she may withdraw and leave the room.

In such moments, the healthier approach is to activate the new brain. Instead of reacting defensively, she might calmly reflect his words and say, “You’re upset because I burnt the toast again.” He might respond, “Yes, I’m frustrated about wasting food. Please be more careful next time.” She could then reply, “You’re right, we do waste food sometimes. I’ll bring an extension cord and move the toaster to the table so we can watch it more easily.”

A response like this often surprises the other partner. The calm tone reduces tension, allowing space for honesty. He may soften and admit he is stressed from work or simply in a bad mood. Over time, learning to respond without defensiveness helps partners feel safer with each other, transforming conflict into cooperation.

Unlike the primitive brain, the new brain understands that criticism about toast is not a life threatening danger. When you learn to trust this part of yourself, you can calm the instinct to fight or flee. Paradoxically, this leads to greater emotional safety and protection.

Healing the Inner Child

In order to truly give to a spouse, a person must build a healthy relationship between their adult self and their inner child. Sometimes there is a voice inside that cries out for attention. That voice belongs to the inner child. Many people fail to recognize this and instead try to soothe themselves through overeating, shopping, constant activity, or distraction. These efforts rarely bring lasting peace.

It can be helpful to consciously speak to your inner child each day, much as you would speak to a real child. Tell them that they are loved, that they are important, that Hashem is pleased with their good deeds, that you regret neglecting them, and that they are cherished. Continue until you feel a sense of calm within.

Before taking any action that feels emotionally difficult, notice whether your inner child is resisting. Instead of forcing yourself, pause and offer reassurance. When you do this consistently, you begin to feel calmer, more grounded, and more connected to yourself. From this place of inner fullness, you are able to give genuine love to your spouse and children.

Without this inner connection, a person may feel empty and resentful. Even when they give outwardly, it may be done with bitterness, which harms both the relationship and the inner child. Attending to your inner world is therefore not a luxury. It is a foundation for emotional health and for loving relationships.