Stop Waiting for Your Partner to Make the First Move

Our Torah portion opens with a powerful promise from Hashem to the Jewish people: if we keep the commandments of the Torah, we will be blessed with abundance. The portion begins, “If you walk in My statutes and keep My commandments and do them, then I will give you your rains in their season, the land will yield its produce, and the trees of the field will yield their fruit,” followed by many additional blessings.

At the same time, the Torah also describes the difficult consequences that occur when the commandments are not kept: “And if you will not listen to Me and will not do all these commandments… the land will not give its harvest, the trees of the land will not yield their fruit, and I will send upon you panic, illness, and fever,” along with other painful outcomes.

We see that Hashem relates to us through an “if… then” framework. Why? Because fulfilling the commandments is not a luxury, it is a matter of survival. Hashem, in His love for us, compels us toward what protects our spiritual and physical wellbeing, much as a parent insists on actions that safeguard a child’s life and health.

When Conditional Giving Damages a Relationship

There is, however, one arena where this approach is not only ineffective but can be deeply harmful: romantic relationships.

When one partner conditions their giving on the behavior of the other, the second partner quickly adopts the same attitude. No one wants to feel like the one who gives while the other simply takes. We hear statements such as, “If only she would do something for me, I would give her everything,” or “If he were more attentive, he would get whatever he wants.” Instead of mutual generosity, a destructive cycle develops, where each side waits, withholds, and punishes. Over time, the relationship weakens.

So what can be done?

Shifting the Inner Perspective

Experience with many couples shows that real change begins when one partner shifts their mindset. Giving should not be seen as weakness or foolishness. Rather, the one who chooses to give becomes the one who elevates the relationship. This often inspires the other partner to respond with greater openness and contribution, and the entire dynamic begins to change.

From Enemies to Allies

One example illustrates this clearly. A few months ago, Eitan and Tzipi came to counseling as though they were adversaries. Each saw the other as selfish and indifferent. Through focused work on giving without calculation, something shifted. Their giving began to come from a genuine desire to offer what the other truly needed, not what they themselves thought was appropriate. Gradually, resentment softened. Trust grew. Today, their relationship feels entirely different, grounded in mutual satisfaction and a shared belief that the connection can be a source of joy.

Making the First Move

Instead of waiting for the other to act first, choose to begin giving. Offer attention, care, and generosity without setting conditions. Over time, giving can become a natural part of the relationship, creating a sense of closeness many couples believe is no longer possible.

The impact extends beyond the couple. Children who grow up witnessing parents who support and give to one another absorb this atmosphere of warmth and security. The entire home is transformed.

Sometimes, the first step is the hardest. Yet it is often the one that opens the door to the greatest blessing.