Why Doesn’t He Open Up to Me? The Loneliness No One Talks About

“You know what, Hannah? As far as I’m concerned, he can go marry his rabbi. It’s a shame he married me instead,” Sapir said helplessly.

“I don’t understand what you have against my rabbi,” Reuven shot back. “Instead of saying how wonderful it is that I have a rabbi to consult with, someone who guides us on the right path and helps us with the hardest decisions, this is what you say? That I should marry my rabbi?”

“Be honest with me, Reuven,” Sapir said quietly. “What were you really looking for when you married me? Why did you choose me?”

“Before I met you, I felt lonely,” Reuven admitted.

“Lonely?” Sapir asked in disbelief. “You had friends everywhere. You have a huge family that loves you and surrounds you. How could you possibly have felt lonely?”

The Invisible Bubble

“Wait a moment,” I intervened. “When Reuven says he felt lonely, he does not mean he was physically alone. He means something deeper. He lived inside a kind of emotional bubble. All his connections were from the outside of that bubble. No one truly entered it, no matter how many people were around him.”

“So if no one could enter his world,” Sapir asked, “why did he believe I could?”

“Because you had the emotional sensitivity, depth, and awareness to penetrate that bubble,” I explained. “You created a crack in the wall he built around himself. You were able to enter where others could not. That is why he felt you had rescued him from loneliness.”

“That ability made him love you,” I continued. “He finally felt seen and reached in a way he had never experienced before.”

When Love Does Not Change the Root

“So my ability to enter his closed world solved his loneliness?” Sapir asked. “He doesn’t feel lonely anymore?”

“No,” I said gently. “He still feels lonely.”

Sapir looked confused. “Then did I help him or not?”

“The fact that you entered his world made him attach to you,” I explained, “but it did not change the foundation of his personality. In a healthier process, Reuven would have needed to recognize his own inner walls and choose, on his own, to lower them. True change happens when a person chooses openness, not when someone else forces entry.”

“So this is my fault?” Sapir’s voice tightened. “Because I didn’t teach him how to stop being lonely? I destroyed the relationship?”

“No,” I answered firmly. “This is not about blame. Sometimes the process works, sometimes it does not. It requires effort from both sides. But right now, Reuven has found another way to manage his loneliness. He has built other emotional connections, and in some of them, he experiences more openness than he does in his marriage.”

Sapir swallowed hard. “That’s exactly why I said he should go marry his rabbi. What does he need me for?”

When Emotional Intimacy Moves Elsewhere

“Very often,” I said carefully, “when a person struggles to open emotionally with their spouse, they look for someone else who feels safer to open with. In Reuven’s case, that is his rabbi. He feels that connection allows him to step out of his inner bubble, while with you he feels unable to.”

Tears filled Sapir’s eyes. “Before the wedding, he used to tell me that I saved him from loneliness. That I reached him in a place no one else ever had. What changed?”

“Many times before marriage,” I explained, “a person allows their partner into their inner world. They are more open, more hopeful, more willing to be vulnerable. But later, fear returns. The defenses rise again. It is not easy to dismantle emotional walls that were built over many years. Those walls exist for a reason. They are protection mechanisms.”

Respect, Vulnerability, and the Choice to Open

I paused before continuing. “There is also another layer. Sometimes openness is connected to respect. A person may deeply respect someone, and because of that, they allow themselves to be vulnerable with them. In this case, Reuven feels that with his rabbi.”

“I say this carefully,” I added. “A strong connection to a rabbi is a beautiful and important thing. But when that connection replaces the emotional intimacy of marriage instead of strengthening it, it can become destructive.”

Sapir wiped her tears. “That’s exactly how it feels. Like this connection is destroying everything between us. What does he have that I don’t?”

The First Step: Choosing Your Spouse

I turned to Reuven. “What Sapir is saying is painful, but honest. You are showing that you value your rabbi enough to open your heart to him. You are willing to dismantle your walls for that relationship. But with your wife, you are not doing the same. That creates distance, loneliness, and disconnection. And without emotional openness, there is no real relationship.”

I continued gently. “The first step is choice. You must choose her. Just as you chose your rabbi. Choose to be transparent. Choose to remove the barriers. Be honest about the thoughts and emotional places where you stand in relation to Sapir. Acknowledge the ways you underestimate her, the ways you withhold appreciation, the ways you do not give her what she deserves.”

This piece was inspired by Rabbi Eliyahu Levy’s course, Root Therapy in Relationships.