Why Honoring Parents Is the Foundation of a Healthy Marriage

True honor for parents forms the foundation of many areas of our lives. Within marriage, the respect we show our parents and our partner’s parents holds particular importance.

At first glance, this may seem contradictory. One might wonder: If I devote myself to honoring my parents, will I still be able to give my spouse the attention they deserve?

The righteous Rabbi Shmuel Kowalsky once asked the great Chazon Ish about a proposed match in which the young woman was exceptionally devoted to her parents, attentive to their wishes, and invested much of her time and strength in them. Could such devotion become problematic in marriage? Might it come at the expense of her husband?

The Chazon Ish answered decisively: “A girl who honors her father and mother will certainly honor her husband as well.” This response teaches us a profound principle. Honoring parents, when practiced correctly, does not weaken marriage. On the contrary, it strengthens it.

At the same time, halacha establishes an important order: a married woman’s primary obligation is toward her husband, and only afterward, if her husband does not object, toward her parents. Likewise, each spouse is obligated to honor their in-laws. As Sefer Charedim writes, “The father and mother of this one are as the father and mother of that one.”

From Dependence to Independence

In childhood, a person naturally draws strength from their parents. They nurture, guide, and shape the child’s world. The child leans on them emotionally, practically, and spiritually. This dependence is healthy and necessary.

As a person grows, especially during adolescence, a natural distancing often occurs. This stage sometimes includes questioning, tension, or rebellion. Its purpose is not destruction, but development. Through this process, the young person begins to form an independent identity and personal values.

Yet even then, most teenagers remain dependent on their parents for emotional and material support. They continue to absorb their parents’ lifestyle, opinions, and worldview simply by living under the same roof.

The true transition into independence comes with marriage.

The Torah teaches that when a person marries, they are meant to gently shift the emotional center of their life. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife.” This does not mean abandoning the mitzvah of honoring parents. Rather, it means that emotional dependence must give way to the creation of a new, independent unit: the couple.

Our sages express this beautifully in the Midrash on the verse, “And Isaac was comforted after his mother.” Before marriage, a person’s deepest emotional attachment is toward their parents. After marriage, the primary emotional bond becomes the bond with one’s spouse.

Honoring Without Dependency

The mitzvah of honoring parents does not diminish after marriage and should not diminish. What must change is the emotional structure. A married person must no longer be dependent on their parents for direction, validation, or decision-making. They must learn to stand independently with their spouse.

This is essential for a healthy marriage. Otherwise, a person risks marrying not only their partner, but their partner’s parents as well.

When we fulfill the mitzvah of honoring parents properly, we develop humility, respect, and the ability to accept opinions different from our own. These qualities are precisely what make a marriage succeed. A person trained in respect and self-restraint will naturally honor their spouse’s perspective, needs, and emotional world.

In this way, honoring parents does not compete with honoring one’s spouse. It prepares us for it.