Imago Therapy: The Method Turning Conflict into Connection

Imago is an unconscious image of love and connection that exists within our inner world.

The Imago theory was developed in the 1980s in the United States by Dr. Harville Hendrix, whose book Getting the Love You Want, published in 1988, had a significant influence on the field of couples therapy. 

The word Imago comes from Latin and means “image.” According to this approach, each of us enters a relationship carrying an internal album titled: “What Love Is.” This album contains all the emotional images formed from the moment we were born. It includes memories of everyone who cared for us, how love was expressed between them and toward us, moments of warmth and closeness, as well as experiences of disappointment, hurt, and unmet needs. This entire emotional collage forms our Imago, the inner image that deeply influences how we choose a partner.

How the Imago Is Formed

A common belief is that we choose partners according to a rational checklist: attractive, intelligent, humorous, generous, sensitive, ambitious, and so on. Imago theory suggests something very different. Our unconscious is actually responsible for the choice. And the unconscious seeks not just comfort but growth. It searches for a partner who will help us become emotionally and spiritually whole. It views the relationship as a central path toward healing and fulfillment.

When we choose a partner, we do not choose someone unfamiliar. We choose someone who feels deeply recognizable. This recognition is based on the emotional blueprint already imprinted within us. As a result, we often find ourselves drawn to someone who embodies both the strengths and the emotional limitations of our early caregivers.

Why don’t we notice this from the beginning? Because of the romantic phase. This stage exists precisely to blur our awareness. Powerful emotions and chemical reactions allow us to see only the good, only the ideal. This phase creates bonding and attachment so that we will commit to the relationship long enough for deeper healing to eventually take place. The unconscious goal is not only love but the completion of unfinished emotional business from childhood.

We are born into connection. We are wounded in connection. And healing also happens in connection.

Imago theory emphasizes that a person is not meant to live in isolation. From birth, we depend on closeness, on nurturing touch, on emotional attunement. Had our parents been perfect, always responding in exactly the right way and measure, no emotional wounds would form. But because parents are human, every child experiences some degree of unmet need. Imago offers hope by teaching that although the wounds were formed within relationships, they can also be healed within relationships.

This leads to the concept of the relational space, often described as the couple’s garden. Healing can occur if this space becomes safe, protected, and intentionally nurtured. The work of Imago focuses on cultivating this space with care and responsibility. As our sages taught in the Mishnah: when a man and woman merit it, the Divine Presence dwells between them.

An Imago therapist’s role is to help couples weave safety within this shared space. The therapist guides partners in developing communication, emotional presence, and mutual respect so that each can grow within the relationship rather than feel threatened by it.

What Makes Imago Therapy Unique

One of the greatest challenges in relationships is that we often love our partner in the way we want to give love, not in the way they need to receive it. What our partner longs for most, we often do not know how to provide. Learning to love in the other’s emotional language becomes a powerful act of growth for both partners. It strengthens our emotional capacity and awakens abilities that may have been dormant for years.

Imago views every conflict as an opportunity. Disagreements are not signs of failure but invitations to growth. Partners learn to use moments of tension as tools for deeper connection. Instead of leaving emotional residues of anger, disappointment, or distance, they learn to clean the relational space through conscious dialogue.

Through structured communication methods, partners learn to slow down automatic reactions. One speaks while the other listens fully, without interrupting, correcting, or defending. This creates a new form of presence. Over time, this builds intimacy, emotional safety, and genuine closeness.

In daily life, emotional needs often appear as complaints: “You never support me,” “You don’t see me,” “I feel alone.” Beneath these words is usually a deeper longing: to feel safe, valued, connected, desired, and emotionally held. Imago therapy teaches couples to translate frustration into clear requests. This shift transforms power struggles into collaboration and opens the path toward real intimacy.

The Imago Dialogue – The Core Tool

Most people believe they know how to communicate. Yet much of what we call conversation is simply reactive exchange. We interrupt, defend, argue, and strive to be right. The Imago dialogue introduces an entirely different approach. Its purpose is not debate but understanding.

The dialogue invites us to cross the bridge into the emotional world of our partner. We temporarily leave behind our interpretations, our opinions, and our reactions. We listen with curiosity rather than judgment. This requires humility and trust, because many fear that if they truly listen, they might lose their own voice. Imago teaches that understanding does not require agreement. We can honor the reality of the other without abandoning our own.

This process allows partners to rediscover each other as full individuals rather than as fixed roles. As the saying goes, when I believe I already fully know you, I stop truly seeing you. The dialogue restores emotional presence.

How the Dialogue Works in Practice

The Imago dialogue consists of three essential elements: reflection, affirmation, and empathy.

Reflection is the practice of accurate listening. The listener repeats back what the speaker said, using the same words and tone. This forces the listener to fully enter the other’s perspective and suspends the urge to respond. It might sound like this: “I heard you say that when I came home late and went straight to the computer, you felt ignored and unimportant. Did I understand you correctly?” The speaker then clarifies until they feel fully heard.

This simple process has been shown to create new neural pathways in the brain. Feeling truly heard strengthens emotional safety and trust.

Affirmation goes one step further. It communicates that the listener understands the logic of the speaker’s experience. Even if I disagree, I acknowledge that your perspective makes sense given your experience. Affirmation may sound like: “I understand how my behavior led you to feel unimportant. From your perspective, it makes complete sense.” It also includes taking responsibility for the emotional impact we had on our partner.

Empathy focuses on emotional resonance. It is the attempt to sense what the other is feeling. “I imagine you may have felt lonely, rejected, or hurt in that moment. Is that accurate?” Empathy deepens closeness and emotional bonding.

Between reflection and affirmation, a summary is often added to ensure the full message has been understood.

Each successful dialogue builds another layer of safety. Over time, couples begin to experience something new: “My partner truly sees me.” This repeated experience gradually creates a renewed pathway to intimacy.

Amichai Levi is a consultant in the Peace in the Home department at Hidabroot.