Should I Change for My Spouse? When Growth Becomes a Personal Choice

"My wife wants me to change my habits and behaviors in certain areas, claiming that it bothers her and that she cannot continue living this way. My question is simple. Why should I change for her? Maybe she should change her perspective and accept me as I am."

Change That Comes From Pressure Never Lasts

In any meaningful change within marriage, there must be a willingness to let go of old patterns in favor of new ones. One of the most fundamental principles of change is that it cannot be forced. We do not create real change when the problem is perceived as belonging only to someone else.

This is a common mistake made by parents and educators. They often believe that they can change a child simply because the behavior is inconvenient or problematic for the authority figure. If a child does not arrive on time for morning prayers and is punished, the child may comply out of fear, but their inner attitude toward prayer remains unchanged. There has been no true internal transformation.

For real change to occur, the child must internalize the issue and understand that the behavior affects their own growth, values, and benefit.

Real Change Begins With Personal Ownership

At the most basic level, people are motivated by their own interests. Even marriage itself begins with two individuals who love themselves and seek a relationship that fulfills emotional and personal needs. If a person does not feel that the change is for their own benefit, they may agree to superficial adjustments, but they will not commit to deep, lasting transformation. Instead, resistance will appear in the form of excuses, rationalizations, and emotional withdrawal.

This is why true motivation for change often arises from personal distress, emotional crisis, or an awareness of loss. These experiences awaken a person to recognize that something inside them must shift. In other cases, the motivation comes from inspiration and a desire for growth, such as exposure to healthier relationship models or meaningful guidance.

In every scenario, one condition remains essential. Change only becomes real when the person understands that the issue belongs to them too, and that growth serves their own emotional and relational wellbeing.

When Therapy Is Forced, Progress Becomes Blocked

Many couples enter therapy due to pressure rather than choice. Sometimes one partner issues an ultimatum. Sometimes external figures such as rabbis, institutions, or family members push the couple toward counseling. In these situations, the pressured partner often responds with defense mechanisms such as denial, emotional shutdown, or minimizing the issues.

The real work of therapy then becomes helping the person recognize that improving the relationship is not only their partner’s desire but also their own interest. As long as the problem is seen as belonging to only one side, the change will remain shallow and temporary. Genuine transformation occurs only when both partners understand that the challenge is shared and that growth benefits them both.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is a lecturer, marriage counselor, and psychotherapist.