Love Begins with Giving: The Secret That Changes Relationships

Often, couples ask me a painful question:
“How can we give our partner what they expect when we don’t even love them?”
They add, “If he changes, then we will love him, and only then will we want to give.”

Is this way of thinking understandable and human, or is it fundamentally mistaken?

Love Does Not Create Giving, Giving Creates Love

There is one essential principle we must understand. In order to love, we must give. Many people believe the opposite, that love comes first and giving follows naturally. But Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler teaches something very different. Giving itself is what creates love. The more a person invests, gives, and makes an effort for another, the more connected they become. Through that investment, love grows.

Pirkei Avot teaches that one who wishes to preserve friendship should be generous and giving. When a person gives, something of their inner world enters the one who receives. A connection is formed, and that connection is what we call love.

The Power of Unexpected Giving

The Maharal explains that for love to develop in both directions, not only from giver to receiver but also from receiver to giver, the giving must contain an element of surprise. When a person receives something they did not expect, something they feel they did not necessarily deserve, it awakens gratitude and emotional attachment.

This happens in two ways.

Sometimes it appears in quantity. A teacher who gives extra time to one struggling student beyond the regular schedule creates a powerful bond. The child feels seen and valued in a way they did not anticipate.

Sometimes it appears in quality. A small gesture from a respected or beloved person can feel far greater than its actual size. The receiver experiences it as a gift of deep significance, which naturally gives rise to affection and connection.

Why Prayer Works the Same Way

This principle is reflected in our relationship with Hashem as well. We begin our prayers with praise before making requests. Through praise, we recognize the greatness of the Creator and our own smallness. Then, when we receive even a small kindness from Him, we feel we have received far more than we deserve. That experience nurtures love, gratitude, and closeness.

What This Means for Marriage

The same dynamic exists between husband and wife. When partners choose to give even when feelings are weak, when they offer gestures of respect, care, and attention that the other did not demand or expect, something begins to change. The giver becomes more emotionally invested. The receiver feels seen and valued. A circle of connection slowly forms.

Love does not usually begin with a dramatic emotional awakening. More often, it grows quietly through consistent acts of giving, respect, and thoughtfulness. When couples adopt this mindset, they not only strengthen their bond but also create a home that can truly contain blessing and peace.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is a lecturer, marriage counselor, and psychotherapist specializing in relationship harmony.