From Loving to Beloved: The Shift That Changes Everything

In the blessing of engagement, the leaders of the Great Assembly established the phrase: "May the beloved friends rejoice together." For a couple to truly love one another, they must engage in mutual love, which creates a reality where both are cherished. So why did they not phrase it as "the loving friends"? Shouldn’t the emphasis be placed on the actions that create love, rather than only on the result?

Rabbi Chaim of Volozhin writes in Ruach Chaim on Avot 5:1 that even if a couple loves one another, they have still not reached the peak of love or the depth of joy that love can bring. The essence of the bond, the highest form of closeness, is revealed specifically when a person experiences themselves as beloved. The inner work of a relationship is therefore not only to love, but to become someone who is loved. When both partners strive for this, they meet on a higher plane of connection where joy and intimacy flourish.

Love Is Not Only Felt, It Is Evoked

The bond of marriage is not expressed solely through personal emotion, but through the influence each partner has on the other. When through your actions, your tone, and your sensitivity you make your spouse feel cherished, you do not merely love them, you become beloved in their eyes. At that moment, the connection becomes alive and deeply authentic.

Love should not be assumed to emerge naturally on its own. It must be kindled and nurtured, as the verse teaches: "Do not awaken or arouse love until it desires." Love requires cultivation.

When love does not flow outward and does not reach the heart of the other, it reflects a weakness in its essence. It is not enough to feel love privately. Love must be expressed in ways that touch the other person. Surprise your spouse with care they did not anticipate. Show concern in areas they did not expect you to notice. When someone feels that their needs are genuinely held by their partner, especially beyond expectation, they begin to feel truly beloved. And when a person feels beloved, they naturally begin to give back, often in ways they had never considered before.

Becoming Beloved Is the Work of Marriage

Anyone entering marriage, and certainly those already within it, must understand that the core work is not only to love, but to become lovable, to become beloved. Love that flows only in one direction cannot sustain a relationship. The task is to awaken love in the other as well.

This requires identifying your partner’s inner world, their sensitivities, their hopes, and their emotional language. Strive to meet those needs not as an obligation, but as part of your own desire. Offer both quantity and quality of care. When this happens, love does not diminish over time. It deepens.

The sages teach that couples who fail to reach a state of belovedness are called "divorced" not necessarily because they have separated physically, but because the word divorced reflects separation from love itself. Just as the highest level of love is the ability to awaken the heart of the other, the lowest level is emotional distance and detachment.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is a lecturer, marriage consultant, and psychotherapist.