When Love Seems Unlikely: Understanding Unconventional Marriages

Many times, an observer from the side wonders:

• How is it that two people with such different qualities married each other?
• What is the connection between them?
• How did such a match come about?
• Did they not see beforehand that they were incompatible?
• How did such a handsome young man marry such a difficult woman?
• How did such a successful woman marry such an unsuccessful man?

Faith and the Question of Compatibility

For someone who truly believes, this question should not exist. The same Creator who forms couples we admire for their harmony and wisdom is also the One who forms those pairings that appear to us, from the outside, as strange or mismatched.

In theory, if we believe that everything that happens is a decree from Heaven, for good and for challenge alike, then there should be no room for complaints between spouses. Each partner would simply accept their situation as their divinely appointed path.

But here an important question arises.

Does faith mean that a person must remain silent in the face of emotional pain, verbal harm, or unhealthy behavior?
Does belief require someone to justify suffering in the name of Heaven?

Clearly not.

Faith Does Not Mean Enduring Harm

What about children who grow up in a tense and painful home?
Can a child who constantly witnesses conflict between parents grow into a healthy, secure adult?
Do ongoing arguments not harm a child’s confidence, emotional stability, academic success, friendships, and future relationships?

Is this what Hashem desires for His children? Of course not.

Even the generation of the desert, who witnessed the splitting of the sea and stood at Mount Sinai, struggled with marital challenges. The Mishnah teaches that when Aharon HaKohen passed away, tens of thousands of children accompanied him, all named Aharon, because he had devoted his life to making peace between husbands and wives. This shows clearly that even in a generation of profound faith, there was a deep need to actively work on marital harmony rather than rely on passive acceptance.

Faith as a Tool for Building, Not Escaping

Faith is not meant to be used as an excuse to endure dysfunction.
Faith is meant to be a tool for growth.

Believing that this spouse was sent to me from Heaven should inspire responsibility, effort, patience, and commitment. It should strengthen a person’s motivation to improve the relationship, to heal what can be healed, and to build a home that reflects the purpose for which the couple was brought together.

Using blind faith as an escape from responsibility can lead to emotional damage, broken families, and long-term harm to children.

True faith calls for action, for reflection, for growth, and for responsibility.

Choosing to Build Rather Than Escape

A couple must believe that it is worthwhile to invest in their marriage, to seek improvement, and to face challenges honestly rather than run away. Escape often brings long-term consequences: emotional scars in children, loneliness, complex second marriages, and regret that cannot easily be undone.

Faith should empower a couple to ask:

• How can we make this work?
• How can we grow?
• How can we create peace that honors the purpose for which we were brought together?

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is a lecturer, marriage advisor, and psychotherapist.