The First Year Test: How Marriage Reveals Who We Really Are

"We are a young couple. We began our marriage with dreams, hope, and a sincere desire to make each other happy. Yet quite quickly, uncertainty entered our relationship, along with anxiety and fear about the future. What should we do next?"

When Expectations Meet Reality

During the engagement period, each partner naturally tries to present their best self. Great care is invested in appearance, behavior, speech, and interactions with family, all in order to be seen as serious, stable, thoughtful, and trustworthy.

But after the celebrations end and everyday life begins work, studies, responsibilities, routine each partner often feels they can finally remove the mask and simply be themselves. At that point, new traits emerge that were not always visible before marriage.

Some discoveries are pleasant. Many, however, are unsettling. Partners find themselves feeling confused, disappointed, and insecure. Emotions such as helplessness, instability, and even despair may arise.

It is common for one partner to quietly wonder: Is this really the person I married? Where did the attentiveness go? The compliments? The sensitivity and consideration that once felt so natural?

The Trap of Unrealistic Expectations

When reality does not match the dream, many couples fall into two dangerous assumptions:
“I will change them eventually.”
“Things will naturally improve with time.”

When neither happens, disappointment grows. Over time, frustration can turn into resentment, anger, and emotional distance, opening the door to serious conflict.

Another major challenge in the first year of marriage is the loss of independence. Suddenly, every decision must consider another person. Needs, feelings, schedules, and lifestyles are no longer individual. This can feel threatening to one’s identity and trigger fear of losing oneself within the relationship.

The Torah’s Wisdom for the First Year

To address this emotional complexity, the Torah instructs that the first year of marriage should be dedicated to joy. This joy is not passive. It is created through intentional effort, especially through communication.

The first year is meant to be a structured learning process. It is a time to develop skills such as listening, empathy, emotional awareness, problem-solving, and genuine partnership. Through this process, each spouse learns who the other truly is: their nature, sensitivities, expectations, and emotional world.

This is also the deeper meaning of the concept of “a helpmate opposite him.” Marriage does not exist so we can change the other person. Rather, the relationship reflects our own growth areas back to us. The challenges we experience reveal where we are stuck and where we ourselves are invited to grow.

Rabbi Daniel Penchasov is a lecturer, marriage expert, and psychotherapist.