Why Repeating Yourself Isn’t Working: How to Create Real Change

"I am a mother of five children. My husband is a scholar, deeply engaged in Torah study. In the mornings, he takes the children to school and also handles all the shopping for our home. Still, I feel I cannot take it anymore. I am exhausted from managing the house alone, from cleaning, organizing, and helping with homework without his support. I feel as though he does not care. I asked myself more than once: does common courtesy not come before Torah? Why is he not waking up?"

When I asked the woman how she tried to explain her difficulties to her husband, she immediately answered, “I tell him. I repeat myself again and again. I’ve said it a million times. But no matter how much I speak, nothing changes. It’s as though he does not hear me at all.”

When Repetition Replaces Connection

For eight years, this woman tried to create change in her husband using the same approach. Complaints. Explanations. Emotional pressure. And for eight years, nothing changed.

The problem was not her pain. The problem was the method.

Instead of focusing on what is missing in him, she needed to begin by strengthening what exists within her. To recognize her own devotion, her effort, her sensitivity, her contribution to the home. Only when a person truly sees their own value can they begin to see the value of their spouse with clarity.

From that place, conversation changes. The tone changes. The atmosphere changes. And only then does real influence become possible.

Seeing the Good Before Demanding Change

When a person notices a flaw within themselves, they instinctively judge themselves kindly. They explain their behavior. They believe they will grow. They forgive themselves. The Torah commands us to extend that same generosity of judgment toward others. Love your neighbor as yourself.

That means learning to view your spouse with the same compassion you grant yourself. To notice the good. To acknowledge the effort. To recognize the qualities that may have become invisible under layers of frustration.

If this woman begins to truly say to herself, I am fortunate. My husband is devoted to Torah. He takes the children to school. He handles the shopping. He is a guiding light in our home. Then the emotional landscape shifts. The request for additional help can still exist, but it now comes from a place of respect rather than resentment.

Appreciation Creates Movement

Change rarely grows from criticism. It grows from appreciation. When a person feels valued, seen, and respected, their heart opens. Motivation awakens naturally.

This does not mean suppressing needs or pretending everything is perfect. It means choosing the language of connection over the language of complaint.

When we nurture the good, when we fill the home with warmth, gratitude, and positive focus, something subtle but powerful happens. The atmosphere becomes lighter. The bond softens. And with Hashem’s help, one small good act begins to generate another, and then another.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is a lecturer, marriage consultant, and psychotherapist.