Why Logic Isn’t Enough: Learning the Language of Emotional Connection

"In recent months, I have witnessed emotional outbursts from my husband that I had never experienced before, over various issues that were not even hinted at. My great frustration is that until now, my husband gave me the impression that he did not carry these difficulties at all. This leaves me feeling unsettled and unsure whether I can continue to trust him emotionally. What should I do?"

When the Heart Speaks, but the Mind Answers

There is a familiar scenario in many homes:
A husband returns home and asks his wife how she is. She answers, “I have a headache,” and he replies, “Take some Tylenol.”
Or the wife asks, “You look serious, is everything okay?” and he answers, “I’m tired,” to which she responds, “Then go to bed early.”

On the surface, the conversation seems reasonable. But beneath it lies a common problem: emotional communication is missing. The heart is speaking, but the response comes only from the mind.

Although each partner expressed a factual truth, “My head hurts,” “I’m tired,” the deeper message was different:
“Give me attention.”
“See me.”
“Be with me emotionally.”

Because this hidden message was not heard, the response feels cold and technical. Over time, disappointment accumulates.

The Real Conflict Is Emotional, Not Practical

It becomes clear to any outside observer that many conflicts do not stem from the topic being discussed, but from emotional pain that has not been expressed or acknowledged.

When emotions remain unspoken, they leak out through tone, attitude, and style of speech. Statements such as:
“You never really care.”
“You always disappoint me.”
“You’re not going to tell me what to do.”
are usually not about the content of the conversation, but about unprocessed emotional hurt.

Most of us were never taught the language of emotion. At home and in school, we learned how to speak about facts, logic, and behavior, but not how to articulate feelings. We learned the language of the mind, not the language of the heart.

Learning to Speak the Language of Feelings

Healthy emotional communication begins with one simple shift:
For every story shared, ask about the feeling.

Instead of responding immediately with solutions, ask:
“What did that make you feel?”
And after the partner answers, the role of the listener is not to fix, but to understand, to acknowledge, and to validate the emotion.

This alone creates a powerful sense of being seen and understood. It softens tension and builds trust.

Asking Clearly for Emotional Support

If one partner feels the other is not emotionally available, the solution is not silence or withdrawal. Instead, emotional needs should be expressed clearly and gently:
“I’m feeling down today, and I really need encouragement.”
“I’m not looking for solutions right now, just someone to listen.”
“I could use a warm word.”

When needs are expressed in this way, they become understandable and accessible. Most partners are willing to respond when they finally understand what is truly being asked of them.

Rabbi Daniel Penchasov is a speaker, expert marriage counselor, and psychotherapist.