Creating Genuine Love Between Partners: A Guide

"As a couple, we strive to faithfully fulfill our roles and maintain a positive and pleasant atmosphere at home, yet we still do not feel a loving bond between us. Why is that?"

To foster love between partners, the soul requires many exercises in giving. The psyche is so accustomed to receiving and taking that a person often does not realize how naturally their thoughts revolve around their own needs. Therefore, conscious giving must be increased until it truly penetrates the soul.

The Power of Consistent Giving

Our teachers instruct us that it is better to give a little often than to give a large amount all at once. One person might take twenty shekels from their wallet and give it to the first needy person they encounter, feeling satisfied and thinking, “What a generous donation I made today.” Another might give a half shekel to each needy person they meet and continue doing so regularly.

At first glance, one might assume the first person’s contribution is greater. Yet upon reflection, we see that the second person’s soul has gained far more, because they were repeatedly required to open their heart, think of others, and seek to bring them joy. There is no doubt that this form of giving surpasses that of the first donor, who opened their heart only once. Ultimately, this is the purpose of giving: to open the heart and train oneself to recognize the existence of others and their needs.

Giving in Everyday Married Life

The same applies when building a Jewish home. At times, we see grand, dramatic gifts that one partner buys for the other, but these do not necessarily reflect the quality of the relationship between them. While there is nothing inherently wrong with a one time gift, even the greatest egoist can make such a gesture as a token of goodwill. In contrast, a true giver is measured by ongoing, consistent giving, even in small matters, because genuine generosity does not seek thanks but aims to ease the other’s burden.

For this reason, it is vital to give our partner personal consideration. This means pausing even when busy and sincerely asking about their needs and challenges.

Sensitivity, Appreciation, and Emotional Presence

Another part of giving is recognizing everything our partner does for us. We must not take kindness for granted or treat thoughtful actions as routine and unremarkable. Instead, we should express gratitude and appreciation and acknowledge the effort that often lies behind these acts.

Giving that strengthens connection also includes expressing empathy for our partner’s feelings, whether excitement, joy, disappointment, or hurt. Simple, empathetic words in response to their emotional sharing can make the difference between loneliness and the deep comfort of knowing that someone is always ready to open their heart to us.

Moreover, giving involves sensitivity. At times, we discover that habits we have grown used to can genuinely irritate our partner, such as an alarm clock ringing too early, slippers that squeak, or the habit of placing objects in certain spots because that is how things were done in our parents’ home.

The more a person is willing to adjust and remain flexible, the more trust is built and the stronger the spirit of cooperation becomes. In such an environment, requests are taken seriously and met with a sincere desire to respond to one another’s needs.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is a lecturer, expert marriage counselor, and psychotherapist.