Can Love Be Rebuilt? The Path to Renewed Connection

During couples counseling, we often hear statements such as: “The love between us has ended, and if there is no love, it is better to separate.” Is hope truly lost? Is it impossible to revive love? Should we simply remain in the relationship and suffer quietly, or is there still hope in what couples counseling has to offer?

The Torah states (Deuteronomy 6:5): “And you shall love Hashem your God.” It is also written (Leviticus 19:18): “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” to the extent that Rabbi Akiva declared (Jerusalem Talmud, Nedarim 30b) that this is a great principle in the Torah. From this we learn that the very fact that the Torah commands us to love indicates that love is not only a feeling but something that can be cultivated.

Four Conditions for Cultivating Love

To cultivate love, four conditions must be fulfilled.

1. To love, one must want to love. Without genuine desire, no action by ourselves or others will have a meaningful positive effect.

2. To love, one must give and share. Many assume that love leads to giving, meaning that when we love someone, we give to them. Rabbi Dessler (Michtav Me’Eliyahu, Book 1, p. 36) teaches the opposite: giving creates love. The more we invest, give, and strive for the other, the more we become emotionally connected, and love naturally grows.

3. To love, one must give the other what they truly need to receive, not merely what we want to give. Otherwise, even generous actions can create distance instead of closeness.

4. From the commandment “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” we learn that in order to love others, we must first learn to love ourselves. Self love means accepting ourselves, living peacefully with our strengths and weaknesses, and recognizing our value alongside what is still imperfect within us. Only then can we truly love another person. Because real love is in spite of, not only because of. We love ourselves not only for our strengths but also while acknowledging our shortcomings, and so too must we love others.

Seeing Beyond Imperfection

The Maharal writes (Derech Chaim, chapter 17) that love represents perfection, that love unites two into one. Since none of us is perfect, true love cannot exist unless we come to terms with the imperfections in our partner.

This idea is reflected in the verse (Proverbs 10:12): “Love covers all offenses.” Love does not mean there are no flaws. Rather, love causes us to focus more on strengths than on weaknesses. Couples who do not invest in their emotional connection not only lose the feeling of love but may also become distant and emotionally alienated from one another.

Therefore, couples who feel that their emotions have dried up and love has faded can, with willingness and joint effort, transform pain into renewed closeness. As the verse teaches, “Do not awaken or stir love until it desires.” This means that when both partners sincerely strive to give each other what is truly needed and do not give up despite imperfections, they will gradually awaken and nurture love between them. In time, love will return and be deeply desired once again.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is a lecturer, expert marriage counselor, and psychotherapist.