Overthinking and Worry: The Hidden Cost

Worries are a phenomenon — common, familiar, and easy to slip into. We get used to them, get pulled along by them, and often assume we’re thinking in a rational, responsible way. Is that really what’s happening? Let’s try to look at worry through a more objective lens.

When Worry Starts to Distort Reality

Most worries are not completely baseless. Usually there is some real concern behind them — a possible scenario that could happen. Up to this point, it’s logical. The problem begins with the dosage.

In most cases, the scenario we fear has only a certain likelihood of occurring. For example, someone is debating whether to study a new field or train for a profession. If they assess their chances objectively, they might conclude there’s an 80% chance of success and a 20% chance of failure. From a rational perspective, that’s a good bet because success is far more likely than failure.

And yet, worry enters the picture and flips the weighting. Suddenly the person gives the 20% far more emotional power than the 80%. They start thinking:

• “Who says I’ll succeed?”

• “Maybe it’ll be too hard.”

• “Maybe I won’t keep up.”

• “Maybe these studies won’t even be worth it for me.”

Instead of reaching the natural conclusion to make the decision and start preparing, they remain stuck, hesitating, postponing, and avoiding the step that makes sense.

Deliberation itself is good. Thinking things through is healthy, wise, and often necessary.

The issue isn’t the deliberation, but the decision-making process. When fear of a small chance of failure prevents action despite a high chance of success, worry becomes a brake that can stall a person’s growth. Instead of moving forward and investing energy in preparation, the person invests energy in worry, and ends up “dragging their feet” and doing nothing.

The Bondage of Worry

Excessive worry harms creativity, initiative, and efficiency. Instead of focusing on action and progress, the person becomes enslaved to worry, leaving them stuck, stalled, and unable to break forward.

In a sense, the person becomes emotionally attached to the negative possibilities in life, rather than to the immense potential in front of them. They can still see positive options “out on the horizon,” but worry clouds their vision and pulls their attention toward the worst-case scenarios.

The issue isn’t that concerns exist, and sometimes they’re even justified. The issue is overweighting tiny percentages. The person decides in advance that things will go badly, treats failure as almost guaranteed, and therefore avoids creating, trying, or moving forward. Over time they feel “locked,” “blocked,” and unable to succeed.

When Caution Turns Into Suspicion

Another driver of excessive worry is suspicion. Our sages taught: “Honor him, and suspect him” (Derech Eretz Rabbah, ch. 5). A measured level of caution has a place, and at times it can protect a person from harm caused by unreliable people.

And yet, excessive suspicion begins to harm the person themselves, as it restricts their ability to act, build, and trust.

Sometimes a person believes that if they stop suspecting others and protecting themselves, they’ll be taken advantage of. They therefore remain on alert all the time. It’s important however to pause and ask:

• Is this suspicion truly justified?

• Is there real evidence for this fear?

• Has caution turned into exaggeration?

When suspicion becomes obsessive, it no longer serves the person, but limits them.

In this context, the author of Chovot HaLevavot writes in his introduction that part of a person’s obligation of caution is not to be “too cautious.” Caution can be valuable, but when it becomes excessive and compulsive, it stops helping and causes damage.

Similarly, the Steipler (in guidance attributed to the author of Kehillot Yaakov) is quoted as saying that extreme caution, constant fears, and exaggerated worries are not the Jewish path, but rather a result of inner distortion and emotional illness — not healthy responsibility, but destructive restraint that blocks a person’s growth.

The High Cost of Excessive Worry

Exaggerated worry causes deep damage, first and foremost by draining emotional resources. Instead of investing energy, thought, and effort into goals that truly matter, the person pours their emotional fuel into anxious “what-ifs.” They can’t find real calm, because worry consumes the good in their life.

The harm goes even further and worry spreads into many areas and pushes aside things that matter, especially relationships.

When “Caring” Becomes Only Worry

A parent’s love can show up in many ways by meeting needs generously, listening, showing genuine interest, offering emotional security, and being present.

And yet, sometimes parents become so focused on worrying about their children that the worry overshadows every other parental role. When the child shares experiences and feelings, the parent can’t really connect. The “bridge” only appears when the child shares problems or fears, at which point the parent mobilizes to worry, pouring energy into concern.

The parents truly love their children, but they express it in worry.

Over time the children grow up and can handle life more independently. If the relationship was built on listening, warmth, interest, and care, it could remain strong even when the child becomes self-sufficient. But if the relationship was built mainly on worry, then once the child can “manage on their own,” the connection can start to feel unnecessary, and the child may not experience it as meaningful.

Sometimes, the habit of “worry-based connection” also comes from a need parents feel to express adulthood through caring for others: “We’re not kids who need someone to worry about us — we are responsible adults who worry about others.” But the habit can harden into a belief: the relationship is built on worry, and without worry there’s no connection.

Children raised with the feeling that worry equals love and stability may internalize worry as part of their identity:

• “If someone worries about me, I matter.”

• “If I worry about others, I’m present and valuable.”

From there, they may begin searching for worries in everyday life to feel anchored, and sadly, worries are easy to find. The long-term effects can be painful.

The Fear of Progress

In many cases, excessive worry is driven by the fear of growth.

People sometimes experience a kind of “fear of heights.” They fear leaving a familiar, simple place and moving toward higher, more successful, more demanding stages of life. That fear itself is not the problem, as it can be faced and overcome. However, sometimes it’s easier to hide behind worry.

Instead of saying, “I’m afraid to move forward,” a person may say, “I’m worried it could be dangerous,” or “I’m worried it’ll be too hard,” or “I’m worried it’s beyond my abilities.” And so, they remain stuck.

For example, a person unhappy in their marriage may consider changing their habits or getting professional help. Both options can trigger fear of the unknown. So it becomes easier to hide behind worries:

• “What if I fail?”

• “What if I raise expectations I can’t meet?”

• “What if it makes things worse?”

Worry becomes a shelter, but it also becomes a prison.

Worry drains a person so thoroughly that they no longer have energy left for change. Real change requires emotional resources, and when those resources are being burned up by constant worry, the person feels too tired to take action. They can worry for years and never build a new life.

How Do You Deal With Worry?

How can we reduce excessive worry and redirect our energy toward what truly matters?

Exercise 1: The “10 Worries” List

Write down ten worries that disturb your peace of mind. Not only the “big” worries, but also daily, small ones. Don’t analyze them yet. Just list them: health worries, parenting worries, financial worries, and more.

Even if you feel you only have four or five, push yourself to reach ten. You may be surprised to discover worries you don’t consciously think about every day, but that still drain emotional energy.

Now choose each worry and ask: What would my life look like without this worry?

For example:

• If I worried less about my child’s development, I could play with them more calmly.

• If I worried less about school success, I could criticize less, encourage more, and our relationship would feel warmer and safer.

Then compare your current life with these worries vs. the life that could be possible without them.

Ask yourself:

• What do these worries actually contribute?

• How do they move me forward?

Often the answer is: they don’t.

At the same time, you’ll see that life without the extra burden might look freer, calmer, more creative, and more productive.

This doesn’t mean a person should be completely carefree. A certain level of concern reflects responsibility and caring. The goal is not to remove responsibility, but to remove excessive worry that has no benefit and causes real harm.

Exercise 2: A “Worry Journal”

Keep a small notebook available and write down each worry the moment it appears, without letting it pile up.

At the end of the day, review the list and ask the same question as above: Is this serving me, or limiting me? What would my day look like without it?

A “Day Without Worry”

To truly feel the difference between life filled with worry and life with less of it, try a “day without worry” where you avoid worry-topics as much as possible, and try not to dwell on them mentally either.

It may seem natural to choose Shabbat for this, because it already removes many stressors, but the recommendation here is to choose a weekday, so you can compare it to other weekdays and feel the contrast clearly.

If a full day feels too hard, start with half a day. Even half a day of lighter thinking, more presence, and more emotional freedom can show you how much worry has been stealing from you.

A reasonable, balanced amount of worry can reflect responsibility and caring. But excessive worry becomes a serious problem: it can trap a person, drain emotional and physical resources, slow personal progress, and damage relationships.

Awareness and honest comparison, between the life you’re living and the life you could live with less worry, can be the first step toward real, constructive change.