Why Anger Destroys Relationships, and How Humility Is the Torah’s Key to Inner Peace

Many people struggle with anger. They feel bad about themselves for losing control, and their surroundings suffer as well. Anger damages relationships, marriage, the atmosphere at home, and parenting. Those who live near an angry person often pay a heavy emotional price.

From the Torah’s perspective, anger is considered extremely severe. The Sages speak about it in unusually harsh terms. In line with this, Maimonides (the Rambam) teaches that while most character traits should be balanced and moderated, anger is an exception: it is a trait from which one must distance oneself completely, going to the opposite extreme. Interestingly, there is only one other trait for which the Rambam gives the same instruction — pride.

Why are these two traits different from all others? Is there a deeper connection between them?

As we will see, it is no coincidence that both anger and pride require radical distancing. There is a strong, symbiotic relationship between them.

The Damage Caused by Anger

Anger often leads to depression. In my experience working with people who suffer from depression, a significant portion of their emotional pain stems from unresolved anger.

I once met a man who was obsessively strict about “proper behavior” as he defined it. Ironically, he himself behaved in an abrasive and humiliating manner toward others. For example, when a neighbor left a trash bag outside their apartment door in the stairwell, he hung a large sign on the door reading: “Do not leave garbage here.”

A person who lives by rigid expectations of both of himself and of others, often becomes emotionally exhausted and gloomy. He feels helpless in the face of a world that “doesn’t care,” that tramples all obligations and standards. This sense of helplessness easily develops into chronic frustration and, eventually, depression.

Two Forms of Anger

Anger generally appears in two forms:

1. External anger – aggression directed outward toward others. This is more common among men, though certainly not exclusive to them.

2. Internal anger – aggression turned inward. Such individuals tend to please others while suppressing frustration and guilt inside. This pattern is more common among women, though again, not exclusively.

In the past, following Freud’s influence, many believed that suppressed anger leads to depression and that releasing anger outward was healthier. Today, research paints a very different picture. While externalizing anger may bring short-term relief, it trains the person to become angrier over time, increasing the likelihood of depression in the long run.

This aligns closely with the Torah’s approach, which largely rejects expressions of genuine anger, with very rare exceptions.

Anger is also devastating in parenting. Children absorb not only behavior but worldview. A parent who frequently expresses anger transmits a negative perception of life itself. Even worse, anger communicates rejection. Children, who naturally believe their parents more than anyone else, internalize this criticism, damaging their self-worth and impairing their ability to face life’s challenges later on.

The Root of Anger: Helplessness

One of the primary causes of anger is a feeling of helplessness.

When we feel powerless, we instinctively try to regain control. Control provides security. Anger is often an unconscious attempt to reclaim that control by intimidating the environment.

For example, a parent may become angry at a child in the hope that anger will “straighten things out” and restore authority. In reality, this is a desperate attempt to escape helplessness.

The “Broken Vending Machine” Trap

When people face persistent difficulties, they often fall into what I call “the broken vending machine mindset”:

If the machine doesn’t dispense the drink, hit it. If it still doesn’t work, hit it harder. Eventually, your hand hurts, and the drink still doesn’t come out.

People repeat the same ineffective strategy with greater force, convincing themselves that they’ve “tried everything,” when in reality they’ve tried the same thing repeatedly. This leads to convincing helplessness and often, anger.

The solution is simple but powerful: Pause. Ask yourself whether you truly explored all options. Consider seeking help. Redirect the energy of anger into problem-solving.

“Should,” “Must,” and the Tyranny of Rigid Thinking

Another major source of anger is rigid thinking: Things should be this way. People must behave like that.

When reality violates these assumptions, anger erupts. These rigid “shoulds” are deeply tied to pride and ego.

Replacing such language with softer alternatives such as it would be better if, I’d prefer, it would be nice — dramatically reduces emotional tension.

Similarly, we often assume we know others’ intentions. When we interpret actions as disrespectful or malicious, anger follows. Yet most of the time, our assumptions are wrong. The Sages’ teaching to “judge every person favorably” is not moral idealism, but practical emotional wisdom.

Anxiety About the Future

Anger frequently grows out of anxiety — especially parental anxiety.

Parents who fear for a child’s future often respond with anger in the present. The danger here is the self-fulfilling prophecy: when parents label a child as “headed for failure,” the child internalizes that belief and lives up to it.

This explains why grandparents are often more patient than parents. Parents feel responsibility, and therefore fear, which easily turns into anger.

Hillel, Shammai, and the Secret of Anger-Free Living

The Talmud famously teaches: “Be humble like Hillel, and not strict like Shammai.”

Why contrast humility with strictness rather than pride? Because anger is born from pride, and humility dissolves it.

The famous story of Hillel enduring deliberate provocation on the eve of Shabbat reveals this truth. Despite repeated insults, interruptions, and absurd questions, Hillel remained calm, patient, and respectful.

He did not feel entitled to honor, and he did not fear humiliation. Without pride, there was nothing for anger to protect.

Shammai’s worldview emphasized strict adherence to rules, while Hillel’s emphasized flexibility and human understanding. While discipline has value, excessive rigidity breeds anger. The Sages concluded that the risks of strictness outweigh its benefits.

Choosing a Better Path

We have journeyed through the inner world of anger and explored its causes, expressions, and solutions.

Even modest progress makes a meaningful difference. A 10% improvement in managing anger is significant. With consistency and commitment, far greater transformation is possible.