When Self-Worth Begins to Crumble: A Therapy Room Conversation

This time, I would like to share with you the story of a couple, Nehemiah and Naomi. Of course, some details have been changed to protect their identities.

As every week, they arrived at my clinic for their session.

Nehemiah opened the conversation. “Last week, I meant to do something good, but it ended up causing a great deal of pain. I need to share this with you.”

Seeking Elevation, Finding Collapse

“This year, the yeshiva where I studied in my youth contacted us and invited us to spend Shavuot with them. My wife and I thought it was a wonderful idea, an opportunity for spiritual elevation. We happily informed the administration that we would come.

“But during the holiday, my spirits dropped to a place I can’t even describe.”

“What happened?” I asked.

“You see,” Nehemiah continued, “over the past few years, I haven’t been immersed in learning the way I was in yeshiva. My prayers aren’t the same either. The moment I arrived, my heart sank. I saw the young men learning day and night, praying with focus, the staff dressed like angels, completely absorbed in Torah. And suddenly I asked myself, where are they and where am I?

“My sense of self-worth collapsed. I felt like I was worth nothing. I’m just someone who starts his day slowly because of household worries. The schedule isn’t the same, the learning isn’t the same, the prayers aren’t what they used to be. So what am I worth, really?”

“You understand,” he said quietly, “I came there hoping to feel uplifted, and instead I felt crushed.”

When Support Feels Like Rejection

“I tried to turn to my wife for understanding,” he continued, “but she can’t see me in those places. What does she tell me? ‘If you’re so jealous of them learning Torah, then start learning. Stop feeling bad and open a book.’

“It kills me. Does she think it works like that? Like pressing a button? Doesn’t she understand how hard it is? Doesn’t she realize that consistency at the level of a rosh yeshiva or a rav requires emotional support from your wife, not criticism and scolding?”

He paused, then added another layer of frustration. “She forgets that she constantly asks me for support too. She wants to buy without limits, she wants help with the children, she wants the house run the way she likes, she needs me to listen, to encourage her, and to earn a living to provide for everything. So how, after all this, does she expect me to fulfill my spiritual ambitions? It just doesn’t add up.”

With that, Nehemiah finished describing the turmoil he had been carrying.

Where Do We Go From Here?

At this point, I would like to think together with you about how we might approach Nehemiah’s struggle.

One option would be to encourage him, to strengthen his sense of worth and tell him how special he is.

Another option would be to try to change his wife, to teach her how to see him differently and accept him more fully.

But I mention these only to clarify something important. Advice and defenses are like bandages. They may help for a moment, but they do not create lasting healing.

The Courage to Face the Inner World

The true solution lies elsewhere. It requires entering Nehemiah’s inner world and truly understanding what he is experiencing around equality, value, and self-worth. It means allowing his fears to surface, giving them space, and meeting them with acceptance rather than resistance.

I will share honestly that this is not a theoretical idea for me. For many years, I chased after value and self-worth myself. At first, I believed that if a certain person I admired would be my friend, then I would feel worthy. Later, I thought that if I held a particular position, what in our circles is called a shteig, then I would finally feel that worth. At another stage, I believed that wearing a tie and a jacket would give me that sense of value.

But over the years, alongside the meaningful processes I have been privileged to experience, I came to understand something deeper. True value is found only through inner exploration of our emotional world. It grows when we agree to face our fears, to rely less on defenses, and to stay present within that fear instead of running from it.

This is what builds genuine inner trust. And this is what creates real, lasting self-worth.

Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger is a counselor and the founder of a school for training marital counselors.