Are You Lowering Your Expectations? A Quiet Survival Strategy

“I expected that after a sleepless night, Tamir would take the kids and drop them off at their activities,” Tzipi began.

“And what did he do?” I asked.

“He said he was late for a work meeting and left,” she replied, anger rising.

“And how did that make you feel?”

“I felt invisible. Like he didn’t see me or what I went through the night before. And this isn’t the first time. Honestly, I was hurt. But I stopped expecting anything from him. I realized this is who he is, and I’ll have to live with it for the rest of my life.”

Lowering Expectations to Survive

“That feeling, of not being seen by your partner, is very painful,” I said. “But understand something. Tamir is not the core issue here.”

“He is,” she insisted. “He’s a good person, kind, helpful to everyone. But he’s hurt me more than once. That’s why I stopped expecting anything. This way, I won’t be disappointed. I’ve even stopped feeling angry. The anger just disappeared.”

“Unfortunately,” I replied, “many couples survive precisely this way. They dramatically lower their expectations in order to avoid disappointment. They manage to hold the relationship together for years, but without vitality or movement. Is that what you want?”

“No,” she said immediately. “I want a good relationship. A real one.”

What Actually Needs to Change

“If you change,” I said, “something here will change. Possibly even him.”

“What do I need to do?” she asked.

“First, you need to understand that your ability to embrace the relationship is not as strong as you think.”

“What? I’m the opposite. I’m very accommodating. Too accommodating, actually. How can you say that?”

“I’m not talking about accommodating him,” I clarified. “I’m talking about your capacity to hold the relationship itself.”

“What does that mean?”

Pain as a Signal, Not a Problem

“The fact that it hurts you that he doesn’t see you, that he isn’t there for you, is not a flaw,” I explained. “It’s a healthy warning signal. It tells you that the relationship is lacking presence and partnership.

“The fact that you complain, that you expect him to stay and help, shows something very important. It shows that you believe he is capable of being more present. You believe he can truly bring himself into the relationship. And it hurts you that he doesn’t.”

“The relationship,” I continued, “needs to have enough emotional space to contain expectations and the frustration that sometimes comes with disappointment. There is a direct connection between the level of expectations in a relationship and the capacity to embrace it.”

Fear Disguised as Acceptance

“I’m afraid he’ll leave me if I insist on this,” she admitted. “I don’t want a divorce.”

“That fear,” I said gently, “is exactly the issue. You don’t believe the relationship can withstand tension, conflict, or disappointment. That’s what I meant when I said your capacity to embrace the relationship is low.

“Your expectations are healthy. They come from a truthful understanding of what a relationship should be. But because you don’t believe the relationship can survive unmet expectations, when you’re disappointed, you protect yourself by lowering your expectations almost to zero. And then the relationship adjusts itself to that low capacity.”

“This is a survival mechanism,” I added. “By lowering your expectations, you ensure that Tamir meets them, and you no longer feel disappointed. The relationship can continue like this indefinitely, but only in a survival mode.”

Growing the Ability to Stay Present

“You must not give up on your expectations,” I emphasized. “But if you don’t strengthen your ability to embrace the relationship, you won’t be able to face reality honestly. Each time you reconnect with your healthy expectations, reality will feel unbearable.

“Increasing your capacity to embrace is the key work here. It is a very focused and necessary process. When you reach a place of true choice in the relationship, all your emotional strengths grow. And as they grow, your capacity to hold the relationship expands as well.

“Only then will you be able to stand firmly, face disappointment without collapsing, and insist on the healthy expectations that a living relationship requires.”