Be the Sun: A Lesson in Influence at Home

Do you know the story about the debate between the sun and the wind?

The sun and the wind argued about who was stronger.
“Let’s put it to the test,” suggested the wind. “Do you see that man on the street wearing the gray coat? Let’s see who can make him take it off.”

The wind blew fiercely. The man clutched his coat tightly around himself. The wind howled and stormed. Leaves flew, branches shook, but the man only tightened his grip.

The wind exhausted all its strength and finally gave up.

Then it was the sun’s turn. It sent down long, warm rays. Slowly, the man loosened his grip. The warmth increased, and before long, he took off the coat.

The sun won. Warmth triumphed, gently.

When Wanting Turns Into Pressure

So often, we want something very badly. We feel we must have it. And we do everything to achieve it. We ask, explain, repeat ourselves, get offended, grow angry, and finally declare, “That’s enough. I won’t tolerate this anymore.”

And the result?

Often disappointing.

The man tightens his grip on the coat even more. He clings stubbornly to his position. He keeps smoking. He nods in agreement while refilling the cabinets with unhealthy snacks. He continues to give the children everything they want. He stretches out on the couch and no, he still will not go study.

“What else can we do?” frustrated women ask. They have invested enormous energy in a fierce battle that accomplished nothing, except to make matters worse.

Why Does This Happen?

There is a simple and natural rule: force creates resistance.

More precisely, Newton’s third law teaches that every force generates an equal and opposite force.

The moment pressure is applied, something pushes back. When you knead dough, the dough pushes against the bowl. When you force a child to act, he may obey outwardly, but the pressure is redirected inward or toward someone weaker. A sibling, a friend, or even himself.

In marriage, force appears in many forms.
“You can’t continue like this.”
“It’s unhealthy that you…”
“What kind of example is this for the children?”
“You must…”

Do you feel resistance rising just reading these words?

Force can also appear quietly. Disapproving looks. Heavy sighs. Slamming doors. Silence meant to convince.

Does Pressure Work?

No. On the contrary, it increases resistance.

It may seem effective for a short time, until exhaustion sets in. But like the man with the coat, when pressure is felt, the grip tightens.

He feels threatened. Someone is trying to take something precious from him. His freedom to choose. His identity. His priorities. His way of being.

The power of choice is a gift from Hashem. It defines a person’s humanity. When that gift feels under attack, all inner defenses rise.

And in that battle, everyone loses.

She does not receive what she needs and is left hurt and frustrated.

He is left exhausted, wounded, and disappointed. The one person meant to be his source of support has become someone he is struggling against.

A Different Way Forward

So what can be done?

Change the approach. Stop fighting.

Resist the instinct to fix everything immediately. Choose respect. Respect for the person, for his thoughts, for his desires, for his choices.

The change may not come instantly. But over time, with warmth, trust, and love, it will come, be’ezrat Hashem.

When It Feels Too Hard

“It’s hard for me that he…”
“I really need that…”
“It drives me crazy when…”

At moments like these, remember the sun.

The sun did not argue or accuse. It did not storm or shake the trees. It simply warmed. It softened the atmosphere. And the man realized, on his own, that he no longer needed the coat.

You can support both yourself and him by speaking gently.
“It’s really hard for me when…”
“I know you want me to feel good. I need your help with…”

This is not only about choosing softer words. It is about an inner shift. A deep belief that your husband wants to help you. He wants you to be happy. He wants to give.

Perhaps he does not always know what to give or how. Explain it with kindness. With trust. In a gentle, feminine way, it becomes easier for him to respond.

Rabbi Kanievsky zt”l used to say, “With a husband, only with sweetness.”

Without it, it simply will not work.

So Will I Receive What I Need?

Sometimes yes. Sometimes not.

There may be moments when he truly cannot give what you are asking for, for reasons of his own.

But you do have the power to help both of you move closer. You both want good. You both want to give.

When you stop fighting for what you deserve, he can relax. When the struggle ends, space opens. And when warmth and love are present, giving becomes much easier.

He wants to give.

Trust that.

Be the sun.

Naomi Ben-Zvi is a certified marriage counselor, specializing in guiding couples at the beginning of their journey together.