Living on Emotional Edge: When Moods Control a Relationship

This week, we delve into the story of a couple I’ll call Eliezer and Shoshana, with identifying details changed to protect their privacy.

“I feel terrible again,” Shoshana opened the meeting, and within moments her eyes filled with tears. “Every so often, I fall into these dark days. My mood drops sharply. I feel like a disaster. I can’t stand myself or anyone around me. I blame, I rage, I demand perfection, and then even the smallest noise unleashes something ugly inside me."

“I’m convinced that everyone around me is more successful and more worthy than I am: my sisters, my sisters-in-law, the neighbors, my coworkers, basically everyone. During those days, my entire life feels like one long failure.”

“How far back do you remember feeling this way?” I asked.

“Honestly, I’ve been aware of these moods since I was young,” she replied. “Even then, I felt inferior. In school there were the popular girls, the ones everyone admired, friends and teachers alike. I was capable too, but never one of the top girls. I always had to work harder to be noticed, and even then it never lasted. There was always someone more impressive than me."

“To this day, I repeat the same pattern. I work hard, I strive, and I still feel frustrated. I want to succeed, but it never feels like real success. I look around and wonder how everyone else manages to work on themselves, grow, and move forward, while I, no longer young, am still stuck. It’s unbearable.”

“And what have you done over the years to help yourself?” I asked.

“I’ve worked very hard on myself,” she said. “In my everyday life, I actually do feel better. But when these falls come, they completely crush me.”

At that point, I turned to Eliezer.

“How is it for you when Shoshana describes these moments?” I asked.

Eliezer sighed quietly. “It’s very hard for me. On the days when she sinks into that sadness, I lose my footing. She becomes short-tempered, and everything I do or don’t do upsets her. I find myself constantly trying to please her, calm her down, make things better. But it doesn’t help, and in the end I feel completely helpless.”

That was how Eliezer and Shoshana described the challenge they are living with.

Understanding the Cycle

The first thing to understand is that Eliezer and Shoshana are unintentionally feeding one another’s patterns, reinforcing them over time.

When Shoshana falls into a low mood, Eliezer feels intense pressure. He does not trust himself to remain calm while his wife is suffering. To regulate his own anxiety, he moves into a role of appeasement, trying to calm her, please her, and meet every emotional and practical need.

This is not giving that comes from freedom or choice. It is giving driven by internal pressure. Eliezer places himself in the position of the one who must stabilize her, not because Shoshana demands it outright, but because he believes he has no other option.

And what happens to Shoshana? She is overwhelmed by anxiety, helplessness, and inner chaos. In that state, she naturally looks for relief. The most instinctive route is outward pressure, directing her distress toward the person closest to her. Eliezer becomes the easiest target, not because she wants to manipulate, but because he is available to absorb it.

Why would she learn to calm herself on her own if relief repeatedly arrives from the outside? And why wouldn’t these emotional collapses keep returning?

The Work Ahead

This brings us to the core questions.

Eliezer, are you willing to begin a process in which you learn to remain grounded even when Shoshana blames, pressures, or pulls you into calming her? Are you willing to tolerate the risk that she may become angry or distant when you step out of that role?

And Shoshana, do you truly want to remain stuck in a place where closeness is achieved through blame, pressure, or emotional collapse?

Simply reflecting these questions back to them already begins the therapeutic process.

As a therapist, I must approach this space without blame or criticism. The moment either partner feels accused, trust collapses and defenses rise.

My task is to understand the emotional needs beneath each of their behaviors, and the fears and beliefs that fuel the defensive strategies they have developed: Eliezer’s appeasing and Shoshana’s controlling.

Only from that place can a different dynamic begin to take shape.

Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger is a counselor and the founder of a school for training marriage counselors.