Why Couples Struggle to Express Their Needs

Why do so many people struggle to clearly express what they give to a relationship and what they need in return? Why does speaking openly about needs feel uncomfortable, or even threatening? Below are several common reasons that explain this hesitation.

Fear of Dependent Love

One common reason is discomfort with what can be called dependent love. Many people are afraid to clearly state what they give and what they expect because they fear turning love into something calculated or conditional. They worry that talking about give and take means the love is no longer pure, absolute, or unconditional.

Of course, we all long for a love that feels unconditional. But in everyday married life, this kind of love is not something we can maintain all the time. Healthy marriage usually relies on a love that is nurtured daily. A love where both partners invest, show interest, give, and respond to one another.

Dependent love does not mean weak love. On the contrary, it is a committed love. A love that does not allow indifference. A love that pushes us to be more sensitive, more attentive, and more considerate of our spouse. It asks us to grow and refine ourselves for the sake of the relationship.

The Sages understood this well. In the Gemara, we find that Rav Chisda spoke to his daughters about proper behavior in marriage, including very practical matters like cleanliness, manners, and consideration. His message was not that love ignores behavior, but that behavior plays a role in creating warmth, closeness, and harmony at home. He understood that while a deep bond is essential, daily actions also matter greatly.

It is easy to say, “Love me as I am.” But it is worth asking honestly: is this truly about authenticity, or is it sometimes a way to avoid change? At times, unconditional love becomes a shield, protecting us from being asked to grow, adjust, or give more of ourselves.

Instead of seeing requests as part of a healthy relationship, a person may feel rejected and claim they are not being accepted. Responsibility is shifted outward, and the partner is seen as demanding or conditional, rather than recognizing that growth is part of love.

Giving Too Much Without Asking

Another reason people hesitate to express their needs is over-accommodation. Sometimes, one partner is eager to please and gives constantly without asking for anything in return. Over time, this creates an unspoken agreement: I will give no matter what, and I do not expect to receive.

This silent arrangement carries a heavy emotional cost. The giving partner slowly begins to feel invisible, unappreciated, and taken for granted. The atmosphere between the couple becomes tense and bitter, even if no one openly says so. Being together starts to feel draining rather than uplifting.

It is often assumed that giving naturally leads to receiving. The verse “As water reflects a face, so the heart of man reflects a man” is sometimes understood this way. But the verse speaks about hearts, not actions. When a person consistently ignores their own needs, they quietly communicate that their needs are not important. Their partner learns, often unintentionally, not to notice or respond.

When Communication Feels Impossible

A third reason is fear of communication itself. Sometimes a person avoids asking for what they need because they are convinced the conversation will end badly. They expect resistance, tension, or dismissal, and decide it is easier to stay silent than to enter a frustrating discussion.

This usually points to a deeper communication problem. Over time, some couples develop unhealthy patterns around requests and disagreements. Instead of making a simple request, one partner may feel the need to justify themselves at length, explain past disappointments, or prove they are right. Without meaning to, the conversation takes on a sharp or defensive tone, and the other partner reacts accordingly.

In these situations, the problem is not the request. It is the way the request is communicated.

When couples reach this point, they often conclude that they simply cannot agree or compromise. This conclusion is mistaken. Most couples can find common ground. They simply have not learned how to communicate in a clear, calm, and respectful way. Communication is a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned and improved.