Connecting on a Deeper Level: How Partners Can Shine from Within

“I don’t understand,” David said with frustration as the session began. “Am I supposed to be Superman? I’m just a human being. How am I supposed to influence and uplift everyone all the time? It sounds exhausting and completely unrealistic.”

“You don’t need to be Superman,” I replied. “But you do need to be like the sun, a sun that knows how to draw its light from within.”

“Do you remember the family solar system model we discussed in our last session?” I continued. “You are the sun, Yael is the Earth, and the children are the moons. We spoke about how you, David, shine when you are connected to your inner desires, and how Yael receives warmth and stability when she is connected to her own.”

“But that role feels frustrating and inhuman to me,” David interrupted.

“I actually want to understand this too,” Yael added. “Sometimes I feel like he’s either trying very hard to please me, or he completely disconnects. And then I don’t even know what he really wants.”

“Yael, you’ve noticed something very important,” I said. “When David isn’t connected to his inner desires, he often slips into a pleasing mode. Pleasing looks like giving, but it isn’t genuine giving. It’s giving in order to get something back, approval, calm, reassurance, or validation.”

“True influence comes when you give because you are full inside. And in order to be full, you first need to learn how to receive, but not from Yael.”

“When you expect Yael to fill you, to reassure you, to tell you how good you are, you place yourself in the position of a child. Yael doesn’t want to be your mother, and you don’t really want to be her child.”

David looked confused. “So how am I supposed to fill myself?”

“The key,” I said, “is that the source of that fulfillment cannot come from within the relationship.”

“So what am I supposed to do?” David asked. “Look for fulfillment through other people? Through my career? Through social approval or popularity?”

“Absolutely not,” I replied. “Those are common attempts, but they always fail.”

“Think about a child who grew up with parents who gave him a strong sense of presence. That child feels secure. He knows how to receive. He doesn’t need to cling, search, or extract emotional nourishment from others.”

“You didn’t experience that sense of presence from your parents,” I continued gently. “So you entered your marriage with a deep, unconscious hope that Yael would fill that empty place. You didn’t choose this consciously. Your soul believed it would finally receive there.”

“That explains a lot,” Yael said quietly. “Sometimes I feel like he expects me to constantly tell him how good he is. And when I don’t, he withdraws, distances himself, or gets angry.”

“That’s because David is still positioned as a child in the relationship,” I explained. “But this can be repaired. And Yael, this is not your work. David, this is yours.”

“If you try to receive this from Yael, not only will it fail, it will slowly damage the relationship. But if you build this place correctly, Yael will finally be able to receive what she needs from you, stability, presence, and confidence.”

David leaned forward. “So how do I do that?”

“There are several ways,” I said, “but I’ll suggest three main paths.”

Rebuilding the Ability to Receive

Honoring parents.
This is one of the most challenging commandments, especially for someone whose parents were emotionally absent or struggled themselves. Honoring parents is not about justice, and it is not for their sake, it is for yours.

When you honor your parents, even internally, you correct your position as a child. You can imagine them as more whole, more present parents, and acknowledge whatever you did receive, even if it was very little.

“And what if someone’s parents are no longer alive?” David asked.

“You can write them a letter, visit their grave, speak to them from your heart, or find another personal way to connect. This allows you to rebuild them in your inner world as giving parents. You’re not excusing what happened, you’re allowing yourself to receive.”

Yael asked, “How does this affect us as a couple?”

“When David learns to receive,” I explained, “he no longer needs you to fill him. He comes to you as a man who can see you, stand with you, and remain steady even when emotions run high. That’s what gives you a sense of safety and being held.”

Receiving From Hashem

“And the second path?” David asked.

“Positioning yourself as a child before Hashem,” I said. “This is the most central path. Parents are meant to help us build this ability in childhood, but they are only messengers. At some point, we discover they are human and limited.”

“When you learn to receive directly from Hashem, through prayer, gratitude, and alignment with His will, you are filled from an endless source. From there, you can give and influence without being drained.”

A Mediating Figure

“And the third?” Yael asked.

“A meaningful spiritual figure,” I replied. “Someone tangible, a rabbi, mentor, or teacher, who can guide you, inspire you, and help you remain in a position of receiving.”

“And what should I do while he works on this?” Yael asked.

“Each of you works on your own center,” I said. “But always for the sake of the relationship.”

“When you, David, are full from within, you can shine naturally on Yael. And when you, Yael, are connected to your own desires, you can receive that light. Together, this brings vitality and harmony back to the family.”

“That’s how your small universe returns to moving in balance.”

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