Addiction in Marriage: Understanding the Role of the Partner

We hear the word addiction all the time. We know that a person struggling with addiction is suffering and that help is needed. But there is another question that is often overlooked. What role does the environment play, especially the spouse or close family member who lives alongside the addiction?

I would like to begin with a story from my clinical practice that illustrates this better than any definition. It also reveals something surprising: the therapeutic process does not only help the addicted person. It can deeply transform the partner as well.

When Addiction Brings a Couple to Therapy

They came to see me together. The woman, labeled as “the addict,” and her husband, exhausted and overwhelmed. In her downcast eyes, I saw deep shame and guilt. In his sharp, tense gaze, I sensed a desperate need for control that had been lost in confusion and helplessness.

I asked, “What brought you here?”

Almost at once, they both began speaking, as if a dam had broken. The woman described her husband’s extreme stinginess as something that suffocated her.

“I can’t live like this,” she said. “I am a partner in managing the family finances. Why is he monitoring every purchase I make? Is he my boss? Is he my father?”

Her husband interrupted angrily.

“Of course I act like her father. If she spends money like an irresponsible child, then I have no choice but to stop her.”

Every Addiction Has Roots

I listened quietly and then turned to the husband.

“What happens inside you around money?” I asked. “What do you feel when unexpected expenses appear?”

“I lose control,” he admitted. “When things don’t go according to plan, I panic.”

“And where else in your life do you feel this way?” I asked.

The question surprised him. After a moment, he answered honestly. He feels this panic whenever he experiences a loss of control. With his wife. With the children. At work. Even with himself.

If a supplier is late, if a schedule falls apart, if plans change unexpectedly, his body goes into stress long before anything actually happens.

“When do you remember feeling this for the first time?” I asked.

“All my life,” he said. “As a child, as a yeshiva student, and as an adult. As a child, I exploded with anger. As I grew older, I learned to restrain myself on the outside, but inside there is still a storm that breaks me.”

He had lived for years with intense inner pressure, never truly able to relax.

At that moment, we all understood something important. The anger around money was not the real issue. It was only the trigger that brought them into the therapy room. Beneath it was a much deeper struggle that had existed for years.

A Painful Cycle That Feeds Itself

This is a familiar pattern in many couples facing addiction.

The woman, who had lost confidence in her inner stability, escaped into shopping. The excitement and control it gave her felt like relief. Her husband, whose deepest fear was losing control, reacted by tightening his grip even more.

Each reaction strengthened the other. Her spending increased his anxiety. His control increased her need to escape. The cycle escalated with every round.

Eventually, couples reach a point of total helplessness. At that stage, there are only two options. Either disconnect from each other and avoid the deeper work, or stop and change direction.

This couple chose to change direction.

Like Jumping From a Burning Building

I often use a parable to explain why therapy works so powerfully at this stage.

Imagine a person trapped in a burning building. Flames rise below. Someone on the ground shouts, “Jump. There’s a safety mattress. It’s the only way to survive.”

At first, the trapped person thinks this suggestion is madness. Jumping feels more dangerous than staying.

But when the fire reaches closer, the same person may suddenly jump. Not because they fully trust the mattress, but because staying feels even more terrifying.

This is what happens with addiction. When life still feels manageable, there is little motivation to change. But when pain grows and safety disappears, people become willing to take emotional risks and look inward.

This applies not only to the addicted person, but also to the partner who suffers alongside them.

Why Couples Therapy Is So Powerful

Working together as a couple offers something individual therapy often cannot.

Addiction always involves unconscious dynamics between partners. For example, when a woman escapes into shopping out of deep emotional pain, and her husband reacts with visible distress, that reaction can unintentionally bring her relief. Her suffering is no longer carried alone. It is shared.

This shared pain becomes an unconscious reward, increasing the likelihood of repeating the behavior.

Ignoring the addiction does not help. Becoming emotionally numb does not help either. When pain is unseen, the addicted person simply searches for another escape.

Professional guidance is needed to interrupt the cycle without fueling it.

Another advantage of couples therapy is that the relationship dynamic appears clearly in the room. The same patterns that exist at home play out in real time, allowing deep work to happen where it matters most.

There is also important work for the partner. If someone else’s addiction deeply disturbs you, it usually touches unprocessed places within yourself as well. This is an opportunity for growth, even for the one who appears stronger.

What Addiction Really Is

At its root, addiction is not about shopping, smoking, screens, or substances. It is about escaping oneself.

A person who has lost trust in their own strength, emotions, or ability to cope looks for simple ways to feel safe. When those fail, they try stronger forms of control. When that fails too, escape becomes the solution.

A person escapes into a screen, into cigarettes, into shopping, into work, or even into emotional dependence on another person.

Consider a woman who grew up without confidence in her ability to build a stable home. Every small disruption feels like proof that she is failing.

If her husband comes home late, anxiety erupts. If she raises her voice at the children, self blame overwhelms her. If she feels less patient than she expects from herself, she immediately labels herself a bad wife.

Day by day, the fears pile up. When her emotional strength collapses, escape offers relief. Shopping, in this case, feels safe, exciting, and soothing.

The Role of the Environment

Now we return to the original question. How should a spouse or close family member relate to addiction?

The environment has enormous power. With understanding and guidance, partners can help the addicted person reach deep healing, while discovering inner strength they did not know they had.

But this requires understanding addiction not as a flaw, but as a defense born from pain.

Couples therapy allows both partners to address their own inner work, together. This is what the Torah hints at when it says that a partner can be “a helper against him.” It is often the very tension between partners that becomes the doorway to growth.

Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger is a lecturer and therapist specializing in addiction through couples therapy and group therapy in dynamic psychotherapy.