Emotional Triangles: When Outside Support Pulls Couples Apart

An emotional triangle is a situation in which emotional tension exists between two people and is redirected toward a third party. This third party is usually someone one of the two brings into the picture, such as a parent, friend, counselor, or even children. Typically, the person who introduces the third party is seeking support, attention, and a false sense of relief. What does that mean in practice?

When Support Becomes Interference

Consider the example of a woman who is experiencing difficulties with her husband and turns to her mother to share her pain and frustrations. The mother, hearing about her daughter’s struggles, is deeply affected. Out of concern and love, she becomes restless and anxious. She calls frequently, asking what happened, how he reacted, what he said, and how things are progressing.

Without intending to, the mother inflates the problem. She touches the painful wound again and again. She begins to interfere in the relationship between her daughter and son in law, expressing opinions, offering advice, and analyzing the situation. As a loving mother, she naturally sides with her daughter, validates her feelings, and attributes blame to the husband for treating her unfairly. None of this is done out of ill intent, but rather out of misunderstanding and care.

After each conversation, there is a sense of relief. The daughter feels lighter after unloading her emotions and receiving reassurance. Her mood improves. Seeing this, the mother feels satisfied and even happy, believing she is truly helping her daughter through a difficult time. This momentary relief reinforces the pattern. The daughter continues to call to hear that she is right, that she is okay, that she is good. The mother continues to provide exactly that.

How the Triangle Harms the Marriage

This pattern damages the marriage because the crisis between husband and wife is no longer experienced within the couple. Instead of facing the difficulty together, the daughter experiences it with her mother. What usually drives people toward resolution is their need for peace and emotional relief. Living in tension and anger is exhausting.

In this case, the woman no longer feels an urgent need to discuss the issue with her husband or attempt to resolve it. The comfort she seeks is already being supplied by her conversations with her mother. This feels good in the moment. Over time, she may develop apathy and stop trying to address the disagreements within her marriage.

From there, the situation can only deteriorate. When one partner stops wanting or trying to reach a better place, the relationship weakens further. Although the woman continues to receive reassurance from her mother, she ultimately suffers because her relationship with her husband remains unresolved and strained.

As parents observe their daughter’s suffering, they may panic. They often blame the son in law and feel compelled to intervene, sometimes attempting to educate him or restore peace themselves. This almost always worsens the situation. Believing their daughter to be a victim, they reinforce her sense of being wronged and unintentionally paint her husband as the villain. In doing so, they reduce the chances of understanding, repair, and reconciliation between the couple. They climb very high, not realizing they planted the tree themselves. They aim to solve the problem without recognizing that they have become part of it.

This is the essence of emotional triangles. When the woman turned to her mother, she sought comfort and encouragement. She did not know how to set healthy boundaries, and a triangle formed that ultimately distanced her from her husband. Her parents did not help her. They disrupted her process, not out of cruelty, but out of misunderstanding and excessive protectiveness.

Why Emotional Triangles Are So Hard to Break

Once an emotional triangle forms, it becomes very difficult to exit. It functions as a defense mechanism that provides emotional relief, and it is hard to give that up. The third party involved is also unlikely to step back easily. If the daughter suddenly decides to stop these phone calls, her mother may feel hurt or rejected. After all, she believes she is offering vital support, and she will not readily give that up.

To understand how one can escape emotional triangles, or better yet avoid creating them altogether, it helps to examine why they form in the first place.

Why and How Emotional Triangles Form

The primary reason emotional triangles form is the search for distraction. This usually stems from a person’s difficulty coping alone with emotional tension.

Imagine attending a formal event where you know no one. It might feel natural to check your phone or make a short call during the first few minutes to ease the discomfort. But if you spend the entire event talking on the phone, avoiding all contact, it would appear strange. The phone, meant as a temporary aid, has become an escape.

Distractions can sometimes be helpful. In difficult moments, a temporary diversion can calm a person enough to cope. The problem arises when the distraction becomes the focus and the original issue is neglected. This is how emotional triangles develop.

Triangles formed through distraction often involve children, work, or other seemingly positive pursuits. Couples may struggle with unresolved conflict and lack the tools to address it. Rather than confronting the issue, they avoid it by immersing themselves in their children. They spend all their time with them, and even when alone, they talk only about the kids. Other common distractions include excessive involvement in work, spiritual activities, outings, or hobbies.

None of these activities are inherently problematic. The issue is that they come at the expense of the relationship and household peace. Because these distractions appear positive or responsible, the person involved may not realize they are avoiding something essential. Someone who escapes into work may even feel morally justified. They are hardworking, dedicated, and providing for their family. What could possibly be wrong with that?

Sometimes the triangle originates from the third party itself. Children, for example, often sense tension between their parents. They may overhear arguments or feel the emotional strain in the home. A child in such a situation may become anxious and begin to exhibit troubling behavior, such as declining academic performance, emotional outbursts, or frequent conflicts with siblings. By doing so, the child draws the parents’ attention away from their marital struggles. The parents become focused on the child, leaving less space for conflict between them.

This brings the child a sense of relief, as there is less fighting at home and more apparent calm. Of course, this has the opposite of a healthy effect, but the child does not understand that. They simply want the tension to stop, and often they do not act consciously or intentionally.

Another form of emotional triangle is fantasy. Sometimes imagination becomes a refuge for someone facing hardship. In that imagined world, everything works, everyone succeeds, and there are no conflicts or disappointments.

The Cost of Avoidance

All these forms of distraction fail to resolve the problem. They only deepen it. Difficulties do not disappear on their own, and the longer they are avoided, the more they grow. Negative emotions accumulate, resentment simmers beneath the surface, and couples drift further apart. While energy is invested in avoidance and distraction, no one is left to address what truly needs healing.