Tired of Couples' Therapy? Why Nothing Changes Even When You Try

“I always feel like he’s not being real with me. It feels as if he’s constantly calculating what he says, choosing words carefully instead of speaking authentically. Nothing feels genuine, and it really bothers me,” Sarah complained.

“Maybe you’re just too authentic,” Dovi shot back. “I’m exhausted by your anger and tension. I say one small thing and she jumps on me. It happens constantly, without pause. I can’t handle it anymore.”

“That’s it,” she said angrily. “I think we’ve reached the end. We can’t continue like this.”

“Sometimes you realize midway through life that what you chose in the past no longer fits who you are today,” Dovi said quietly. “Maybe we’re just not compatible anymore.”

“Maybe what’s needed isn’t separation,” I suggested, “but elevation.”

“Elevation?” Dovi asked. “What does that even mean?”

Living in a Survival Dimension

“Dovi,” I said, “your fear of what to say and what not to say comes from the dimension you’re operating in within the relationship. It’s a survival-based space. This isn’t really about Sarah. It’s about the mental environment you’re living in.”

“What does a survival state feel like?” I continued. “It’s similar to the feeling of being threatened, like standing at the edge of a drawn knife. Every word feels dangerous. Every move feels risky.”

“And Sarah,” I added, turning to her, “imagine you’re experiencing humiliation at work. Clients treat you disrespectfully. You tell yourself you’ll move on, that you won’t take it personally, but inside you feel deeply wounded. Then you come home, and when your husband says something that lands wrong, your reaction is immediate and intense.”

Dovi looked puzzled. Sarah nodded slowly.

“You’re reacting from a place of humiliation,” I explained. “Trying to restore lost dignity. That reaction isn’t about Dovi in that moment. It comes from the emotional space surrounding you.”

Beyond Character Labels

“So why can’t we just say this is her personality?” Dovi asked defensively. “She’s an angry woman. That’s her nature.”

“It’s easy to reduce everything to character,” I replied. “But this isn’t just character.”

“So what is it?” he asked.

“Just as we are physically surrounded in six directions, right, left, forward, backward, up, and down, the psyche is also surrounded by dimensions that shape our reactions. These dimensions are built from perceptions, desires, experiences, wounds, expectations, and burdens each of you brought into the marriage.”

“In theory,” I continued, “we say two people enter marriage as themselves. In reality, each person enters with an entire cube of space. Two cubes colliding cannot truly meet.”

“That’s exactly the problem,” Dovi said angrily. “We’re tired of therapy. We’re exhausted.”

Why Therapy Feels Stuck

“Why didn’t previous counseling help?” I asked.

“Because we keep circling the same points,” Dovi replied. “She says the same things about me. I say the same things about her. It’s predictable. I don’t see the benefit anymore.”

“Often,” I said, “therapy tries to dive deeper into situations, conflicts, and behaviors, analyzing what went wrong and how to fix it. It’s exhausting work, and the frustration is that it often doesn’t last.”

“Why doesn’t it last?” Sarah asked.

“Because when the same situation returns, you’re still in the same space. You react the same way.”

“So why are we here?” Dovi asked.

Changing the Space, Not the Person

“Our goal here is not to solve individual problems,” I answered. “It’s to change the dimension you’re in.”

“Imagine someone locked in a tiny closet,” I continued. “Some people will scream, others will despair. But how much can you really expect from someone trapped in a suffocating space? No amount of advice will change their behavior while they’re still locked inside.”

“So what can be done?” Sarah asked.

“I can open the closet,” I said. “Once the person steps out, their reactions change naturally. Not because they worked harder, but because the space changed.”

“In the dimension your relationship is currently in, change requires enormous effort with minimal results. You feel suffocated. But when the dimension elevates, reactions shift on their own. Communication softens. Signals change. Breathing becomes possible.”

“This work,” I concluded, “is about elevation, not correction. When the space changes, everything else follows.”

Inspired by Rabbi Eliyahu Levy’s course The Cube of Marital Space.