From Inferiority to Humility: Rebuilding Respect in Marriage

“For me, this is our last attempt. If it doesn’t work, we’re breaking up,” Shlomi said angrily.

“I’m tired of your threats,” Dafna replied with a mocking tone.

“She has no respect for me,” Shlomi turned to me, furious. “She belittles everything I do, humiliates me in front of my friends, dismisses my achievements, and makes me feel small at every family gathering. I can’t take it anymore.”

I turned to Dafna. “Why did you marry Shlomi? What did you see in him?”

“He was very charismatic,” she answered. “People were drawn to him. Everyone gathered around him. If I had known it would turn into this over the years, I wouldn’t have married him.”

The Need to Belong

“Dafna,” I asked gently, “is it possible that through these belittling remarks, you are actually trying to express a desire for connection with Shlomi?”

“She has very strange ways of connecting,” Shlomi muttered bitterly.

“I don’t need him at all,” Dafna shot back. “And honestly, I don’t even feel that I love him anymore.”

“Let’s pause for a moment,” I said. “And try to understand what that love was when you first met Shlomi. You once shared that before meeting him, you struggled deeply with a lack of meaning in life. Shlomi’s presence, strong and confident, gave you a sense of significance. Being close to him expanded you. You wanted to belong to him.”

“To belong to Shlomi?” she repeated, stunned.

“You experienced him as a person of importance, a natural leader. Belonging to someone you perceived as significant made you feel significant as well.”

From Inferiority to Humility

“So what’s the problem then?” Shlomi asked. “Why does she attack me and put me down all the time?”

“When someone seeks to elevate themselves through another person,” I explained, “it often means they feel smaller inside. That sense of inferiority is unbearable to live with. Over time it turns into frustration and a feeling of victimhood.”

I turned to Dafna. “Your ego could not allow you to admit that Shlomi gave you meaning. So you found indirect ways to stay connected without feeling inferior. Belittling him became a way to belong without acknowledging the gap.”

“So what am I supposed to do with this feeling?” Dafna asked. “It’s unbearable.”

“The answer is not inferiority,” I said. “It is humility.”

What Humility Really Means

“Humility is not self humiliation. It is not erasing yourself. It is recognizing truth without resentment.”

I explained this through the relationship with Hashem. Feeling inferior to Hashem is not what He wants from us. That creates fear and frustration. True humility recognizes reality as it is and brings freedom rather than pain.

“In your marriage,” I continued, “inferiority makes you feel like a victim. Humility allows you to acknowledge difference without anger. Not I am less than him, but we are different and I choose to commit.”

“Dafna, you have strengths, abilities, and value. Shlomi has his own. You are not lesser than him and he is not lesser than you. Your belonging to each other is the real richness of your relationship.”

Respect as the Foundation of Marriage

From that place, a home can be built with depth, diversity, and mutual respect.

Genuine and reciprocal relationships cannot exist without respect. Contempt and belittlement are among the strongest forces leading to separation and divorce.

Inspired by Rabbi Eliyahu Levy’s course, The Cube of Couplehood.