The Day the Love Disappeared: Turning Relationship Collapse Into Real Love

There are moments in a marriage when the pain feels absolute, as if something essential has collapsed beyond repair. Couples often arrive at therapy convinced that what once bound them together has vanished entirely. This is the story of such a moment, and of the possibility hidden inside it.

“The destruction of the home. That’s exactly what we feel,” Ruti said with deep sorrow. “We’ve reached a point where we can’t stand to see each other anymore. We’re desperate and feel we have nothing left to do together.”

“Can you tell me a bit about your relationship in the early years of your marriage?” I asked.

“You don’t understand what our connection was like back then,” Ruti replied. “Everyone looked at us and said they had never seen a couple so in love. They kept saying we were a match made in heaven.”

“I felt like I wanted to be with her all the time,” Aryeh added.

“I didn’t want him to leave my side for even a moment,” Ruti continued.

“I enjoyed every second she was with me,” Aryeh said, then paused. “But we have to be honest. The magic is over. We’ve changed. We can’t seem to find any interest in each other anymore.”

When the Void Appears

“That deep void between you,” I said, “is actually an opportunity for you both to learn how to truly love one another.”

“Learn to love?” Aryeh responded. “That’s exactly what we’re saying. There was once a massive love, and it’s gone. We’ve tried couples therapy. It’s not coming back.”

“All that great love you experienced,” I explained, “was rooted in the emotional responses you received to your psychological needs.

“Aryeh, you received a deep sense of care from Ruti, which soothed your loneliness. Ruti, you received a sense of security from Aryeh, which eased your fears and insecurities.

“From the outside, it looked like love. But internally, it was a powerful fulfillment of psychological interests.”

Love or Emotional Fulfillment

“When interests are very strong,” I continued, “a person’s ability to contain the relationship becomes dependent on whether those interests are being fulfilled. If the interest is fulfilled, the relationship feels worthwhile, even if it is difficult. If the interest is not fulfilled, it suddenly feels like there is no love at all.

“This is not a conscious calculation,” I added. “But it is felt very strongly.”

“You told us this last time too,” Ruti said quietly. “And it hurts. It makes me feel exploited and exploitative. I truly believed it was love.”

“I know it’s painful,” I said. “But this dynamic exists in all relationships. It is simply wrapped in beautiful language and romantic imagery. When we want to treat a relationship honestly, we have to remove the decorations. Otherwise, they obscure what is really happening.”

Why It Could Not Last

“But why were we able to fulfill each other’s needs in the beginning?” Ruti asked. “Why couldn’t it last?”

“Because expectations never truly reach fulfillment,” I answered. “They create a temporary illusion where each person feels they are getting exactly what they need.

“You were both filled with intense emotional energy. You believed you were satisfying each other completely. Over time, that imaginary world cracked, until you reached a point where you no longer desired one another.”

“So what am I staying for,” Ruti asked, “if I’m not getting what my soul needs from him?”

“Are you saying our interests are wrong?” Aryeh asked.

“There is no such thing as a good or bad interest,” I said. “The question is intensity. When an interest takes over, expectations become enormous. Judgment floods the relationship. The pressure becomes unbearable, because no one can fulfill another person’s expectations completely.

“Over time, fantasies collapse and reality sets in. You discover that you cannot meet each other’s expectations, and a deep chasm forms.”

From Destruction to Real Love

“So what do we do?” Ruti asked. “Is there still hope?”

“Yes,” I said. “We take that chasm, that painful sense of destruction, and turn it into a springboard. A higher dimension where you learn to love one another.”

“But this time,” Aryeh said slowly, “real love.”

“Exactly,” I smiled. “Real love requires a leap into the depths. It is frightening, because it is no longer built on fulfillment or fantasy. But it is real. And it is worth it. You just need the courage to step in.”

Inspired by Rabbi Eliyahu Levi’s course The Couple’s Space Cube.