Breaking the Cycle: Why We Repeat the Harm That Hurt Us

Are you familiar with the idea of recurring harm circles or pattern reconstruction?

Research and lived experience show a troubling reality. When a child grows up experiencing ongoing emotional or physical abuse from authority figures such as parents or teachers, that child is at far greater risk of becoming abusive in adulthood.

At first glance, this seems utterly absurd. How could a child who suffered so deeply, who hated the abuse and swore never to repeat it, grow up to become the very figure they once feared or despised?

Yet this is often exactly what happens.

How Harmful Patterns Are Recreated

There are several ways to understand this phenomenon. Sometimes it is driven by a subconscious sense of vengeance toward the world, a release of pain onto those perceived as weaker, accompanied by an inner justification that if I suffered, others should suffer too. In other cases, it is simply learned behavior. If anger was always expressed through shouting, humiliation, or violence, that becomes the only emotional language a person knows.

This pattern is visible far beyond the family unit. People who grew up marginalized or powerless often behave the same way once they reach positions of authority. Those who suffered neglect or disrespect may later display the same disregard toward others. Individuals who complained bitterly about public systems that ignored them may become the first to push ahead of others once they gain access or advantage.

We recreate patterns. Sometimes for the better, often for the worse.

When Patterns Enter Marriage

Sadly, this dynamic appears painfully often in marriages.

Many women who leave abusive relationships find themselves remarrying abusive partners. Astonishingly, this may repeat itself even multiple times. The same personality type reappears, as if magnetically drawn back into their lives.

Likewise, people who divorce over certain complaints often find themselves voicing the very same grievances in their second or third marriages.

This is not coincidence.

On a deep psychological level, people often gravitate toward what feels familiar, even when it is harmful. In cases of abuse, a person may subconsciously identify during dating with a personality that resembles a parent or early authority figure. There is a hidden hope that this time will be different. That through this person, healing or compensation will finally come.

The pattern is painful, complex, and tragically powerful.

By contrast, those who grew up witnessing stable, patient, and nurturing parental relationships tend to recreate those same qualities in their own lives. They cope better with crises and manage emotional stress more effectively.

The Question That Matters Most

So how do we stop the cycle?

How do we begin something new and healthy instead of excusing destructive behavior with the sentence, that is how my father acted?

The first answer is simple, but not easy.

Do not run away.

Do Not Dismantle Your Home in Panic

Someone called me this week determined to divorce. He described his wife’s behavior as unbearable and said he could no longer cope. When I asked what he wanted from me, he replied that he only wanted a blessing for the road ahead, to know he was not missing something.

When I asked whether they had sought professional help together, he said no. He had consulted a rabbi alone, without his wife.

I will be honest. I do not know what to think.

Again and again, I hear the same story repeating itself.

People are dismantling their homes based on one sided consultations with non professionals.

This is frightening.

No one in the world is authorized to tell you to divorce. Not even the greatest leader. Except in rare and explicit cases defined by Torah law, which require formal court procedures that do not exist today, the Torah places responsibility squarely in a person’s own hands.

Just as no one can marry you without your consent, no one can dissolve your marriage without your will.

And precisely because that responsibility rests with you, you must first understand what is actually happening.

Taking Responsibility Instead of Escaping

Ask yourself what is really going on. Why does the other person behave this way. What might be driving them. And just as importantly, what is happening inside your own heart beyond anger and hurt.

Do not rush to court driven by pain alone.

Seek real professional help. Not advice that confirms your desire to flee, but guidance that helps you understand patterns, wounds, and reactions.

And to those reading this article who think, thankfully this does not describe my marriage, pause for a moment.

Examine your own patterns. How do you express discomfort. How do you respond to frustration. Are there behaviors you learned long ago that quietly cause pain to your spouse or children. Detachment. Ignoring. Raising your voice. A mocking smile. Patterns absorbed from a parent or teacher without ever being questioned.

Open your eyes to what is happening around you. Perhaps be brave enough to ask the other person what they need from you, even when it is uncomfortable to hear.

Choosing a Different Path

We can stop the cycle. But only if we accept that the reins are in our hands.

Change does not begin with blame. It begins with responsibility, courage, and care.

Wishing you much success.

Pinchas Hirsch,
Couples Counselor, M.F.C