The People-Pleaser’s Trap: A Story of Hidden Resentment

Today, I want to share a story about Rabbi Jonathan. The lesson it carries is powerful, and if we truly internalize it, it can help us move from inner servitude to real freedom.

Jonathan is forty-two years old, a yeshiva student, married to Shulamit for eighteen years, and the father of eight children.

Anyone who meets Jonathan is immediately struck by his kindness. He always has a good word to say, a helping hand to offer, or emotional support ready for anyone who needs it. He appears generous, attentive, and deeply caring.

At home, Jonathan behaves the same way. With his wife and children, he is sensitive, involved, and giving. It seems that his greatest joy is to provide, to help, and to be there for others.

The Hidden Collapse

Over the years, Jonathan began experiencing periods that broke him emotionally. During these times, he would withdraw into himself, sinking into deep sadness. He could not understand what was happening. Why did he suddenly feel heavy, frustrated, and angry? Why did he feel like a different person?

He desperately hoped these feelings would pass so he could return to being the kind, supportive Jonathan everyone loved. Sometimes hours passed, sometimes days. Eventually, he would recover and step back into his familiar role, until the next collapse came.

Years went by like this. Jonathan swung between being the beloved giver and a man filled with resentment and anger.

Gradually, the low periods became longer and more frequent. At their worst, Jonathan stayed in bed for hours, unable to function. He hated this version of himself, and that hatred only deepened his suffering.

At a certain point, Shulamit reached her limit. She told Jonathan she could no longer support him in this way. Her words froze him in place. He felt trapped between his desire to be the person he once was and a body and emotional world that simply would not cooperate.

Exhausted, fearful, and overwhelmed, Jonathan turned to therapy.

A Painful but Honest Realization

From the very beginning, Jonathan understood something crucial. His healing would not come from his wife. He truly wanted to help himself, even if that meant facing shame and discomfort. He was ready to take responsibility for his life.

Through a courageous and honest process, Jonathan arrived at an insight that changed everything.

He realized that much of his “giving” was not as pure as it appeared.

I do good for others so they will be good to me.
I listen to my wife so she will listen to me.
I respect my parents so my children will respect me.
I help my neighbors so they will help me when I need it.
I keep halacha so people will appreciate me.

This pattern has a name. It is called manipulation.

Manipulation does not necessarily mean cruelty or bad intentions. It means acting not for the sake of the action itself, but in order to trigger a specific response from another person.

Before continuing Jonathan’s story, it is important to say this clearly. Every one of us has a bit of “Jonathan” inside. When we dare to recognize this pattern in ourselves, we open the door to real freedom.

Why Is This a Problem?

At first glance, one might ask: what is so wrong with this? Why shouldn’t we act this way if it works?

Let’s return to Jonathan and see what this way of living actually costs him.

When Shulamit asks Jonathan for help, his inner calculation happens automatically. If I help her, she will help me. If I invest in her, she will invest in me. If I show care, she will love and appreciate me.

Jonathan does not pause to ask whether he truly has the strength or desire to help at that moment. He is not listening inwardly. He is focused outwardly on pleasing Shulamit, driven by fear of losing appreciation, closeness, or love.

Shulamit, naturally, feels supported. She experiences Jonathan as a devoted husband who is always there for her, at her pace and according to her needs.

What she does not realize is that Jonathan is now expecting something in return.

The Silent Expectation

A few hours later, Jonathan approaches Shulamit, wanting to share an interesting idea from yeshiva. She is in the middle of an important phone call and gestures for him to wait. Jonathan feels a sharp pain but decides to swallow it.

Later, Shulamit is busy with the children and asks him to wait again. By now, Jonathan is deeply hurt. After all, he put aside everything to help her earlier. How can she dismiss him so easily?

At ten o’clock that night, Jonathan does not approach her again. He waits, silently testing whether she will remember him on her own. When she prepares for bed, tired and unaware, the test fails.

Jonathan leaves the house filled with anger, resentment, and hurt. Shulamit has no idea what just happened.

What Really Happened

Every person has emotional and physical needs.

Jonathan does not know how to meet his own needs. He is disconnected from his inner world and focused almost entirely on fulfilling the needs of others, while secretly expecting repayment. This makes him dependent, anxious, and constantly vulnerable.

Because if you cannot see yourself, who will do it for you?

I asked Jonathan whether he believed his marriage would improve if he learned to see himself, to listen inwardly, and to act from truth rather than fear. I was honest with him about the cost. He would not always be liked. He would not always have leverage to demand love or attention.

But he would gain something far more valuable.

He would begin to find favor in his own eyes. He would be able to protect himself, choose consciously, and give from freedom rather than obligation.

That is the difference between servitude and freedom.

Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger is a counselor and the founder of a school for training couples counselors.