Repairing Relationships: Finding a Path to Healing

“Do you realize what a mistake I made marrying him?” Rachel burst out. “I should have listened to my mother when she warned me. She said he was a slacker, too busy with his friends and his own issues, not a family man. What was I thinking? That having children would suddenly make him grow up?”

“It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of frustration,” I reflected.

“Not just frustration,” Rachel shot back. “I’m furious. He disappoints me again and again. He doesn’t respect me, humiliates me in front of the kids, takes no responsibility at home. I’m carrying everything on my shoulders. How could I not be angry?”

Two Stories, One Room

I turned to Shaul. “What do you think?”

“After everything she’s said about me for the last thirty years, what is there left to say?” he replied quietly. “We’ve been to therapist after therapist. It’s always the same story. So why would this be any different?”

“But I haven’t heard what hurts you in the relationship,” I said gently.

“To be honest, I’ve already given up,” Shaul admitted. “From the very beginning she’s blamed me for everything. She disrespects me, humiliates me in front of the kids, never encourages me. She doesn’t even cook the food I like. I feel like she’s never really cared about me.”

Rachel turned toward me triumphantly. “Do you see why I brought him here? This clearly needs couples therapy. The real question is how serious this situation is, and how long it will take to fix him.”

When Therapy Becomes a Courtroom

“Rachel,” I said calmly, “you say you brought him for couples therapy, but it sounds like you brought him so I could diagnose what’s wrong with Shaul, determine how severe the problem is, and estimate how long it will take to repair him.”

She stiffened.

“I hear all of your complaints,” I continued. “And from each of your perspectives, you’re both right. That’s exactly why all the therapy you’ve done so far hasn’t helped. Therapy isn’t a courtroom. It’s not about proving who’s guilty.”

“If you wanted a ruling, you could go to a rabbinical court and someone might take sides. But you came to therapy. And staying focused on accusations will never touch the root of what’s happening between you.”

Blame as a Way to Survive

“The real obstacle,” I added, “is the constant blame you place on one another. And here’s the difficult truth: most of the accusations you direct at Shaul come from a deep need to absolve yourself.”

Rachel bristled. “Clean myself? Isn’t it obvious who’s responsible for the state of this marriage? Anyone who sees us knows exactly who’s to blame.”

“I believe,” I said gently, “that you carry a tremendous amount of guilt. Guilt for not listening to your parents. Guilt for things you’re unhappy with in yourself. Guilt for how the marriage looks today. Those feelings are extremely painful, and you don’t yet know how to hold them. Blaming Shaul allows you to survive them. When all the guilt sits on him, you can breathe.”

Silence filled the room.

The Hidden Cost of Blame

How do couples like Rachel and Shaul finally step out of this endless cycle of therapy after therapy?

If Rachel were somehow freed from guilt, the dynamic could shift. But blame does not remove guilt. It intensifies it. The more guilt grows, the more urgently she needs to blame, and the cycle tightens.

My role as a therapist is not to argue with her accusations, but to help her uncover the guilt beneath them. To understand what she gains from blaming, and to slowly learn how to contain that pain without transferring it onto her husband.

When Rachel recognizes that her need to accuse Shaul is a way of soothing her own inner torment, and when she feels that someone is truly with her in that pain, she can begin to release the guilt itself.

As long as responsibility lives outside of her, real change is impossible. Everything depends on him. Nothing depends on her. And in that place, there is no freedom of choice.

Returning to Choice

At the same time, Shaul has his own work. He, too, must stop placing the entire burden of the relationship on Rachel. He must arrive at a point of choice where he decides, consciously and fully, to invest in this marriage and to take responsibility for choosing her.

When a person respects their own choice, something profound happens. Effort follows naturally. Care grows. Meaning enters the home.

And joy has a place to return.

Inspired by Rabbi Eliyahu Levi’s course, “The Cube of Couples Space.”