When Support Has No Frame: The Silent Breakdown of a Marriage

“I’m telling you, I’m collapsing. I’m exhausted from feeling like the entire burden is on me and that I have no real help,” Ortal said, her voice breaking.

“But you have Tzachi,” I asked gently. “Doesn’t he help?”

“He comes home exhausted from work, so I feel sorry for him and let him rest. He also has a brother with a disability whom he visits and helps care for. And with whatever strength he has left, he volunteers with friends at Ezer Mizion. I have nothing bad to say about him. He’s a truly good person. I really want to be happy about that. I really do. I contain him the way my mother taught me. I support him, take care of the children, and manage the home. I do everything I can to be a good woman, but I’m starting to break. I can’t hold this anymore,” Ortal said, bursting into tears.

When Asking Feels Forbidden

“And what happens when you ask him not to go to his brother or to volunteering because you need him at home?” I asked.

“Then he comes at me with all kinds of claims. ‘How can you even say that? This is my only brother. Where is your fear of Heaven? Where is your love for Israel?’ It makes me feel selfish, like I’m only thinking about myself. So I give up and tell myself I have no choice. It also makes me feel like I’m weaker than him, like he’s right.”

“Ortal,” I said calmly, “you really do need to contain. You have a very important role in the relationship. You are meant to bring the foundational structure of containment into the couple.”

“I am containing,” she cried. “But I feel like I can’t do it anymore.”

“Yes,” I answered, “you are containing. But you are containing the wrong thing.”

She looked at me, confused. “What does that mean? So how should I contain?”

Containment and the Structure of Relationship

“Before I explain, it’s important for you to understand that all the emotional movements I’m describing exist in both men and women. Each person has a masculine side and a feminine side. What I’m referring to is the central, foundational movement each one must bring into the relationship.

“Another important point. I haven’t heard Tzachi’s side. My picture is partial. It’s possible that Tzachi feels he helps you a great deal, while you experience it differently. But that does not change how containment is meant to function within a relationship.

“The containment you are giving Tzachi comes from a personal, individual place that is disconnected from the relationship itself. This type of containment actually causes serious damage, because it removes Tzachi from the healthy structure of partnership.”

Containment, in its original sense, is meant to build the relationship, not dissolve it. According to the teachings of Kabbalah and Chassidut, the masculine side of the sefirotic structure is the right side, associated with chesed, from which netzach flows. The feminine side is the left, associated with gevurah, from which hod flows.

“The chesed of the man is the power of giving, influence, and energy he brings into the relationship. The gevurah of the woman is to create boundaries and frameworks so that this power is directed correctly and builds the home.”

When chesed and gevurah function properly together, security emerges naturally. The man feels that his giving is building something real. The woman, in turn, feels trust and stability, which gives rise to hod.

What Containment Really Means

“But where does containment come in?” Ortal asked impatiently.

“Hod, which emerges from gevurah, contains the true ability to contain. It is a quiet form of security. Gevurot are the boundaries, the tools, the structure into which the man must pour his powers.”

“So what gevurot am I supposed to bring?” she asked.

“For example,” I explained, “you need Tzachi to be home in the evenings. You need him to reduce the time he spends outside the home, to help with the children, and to step back from volunteering for now. These are directions he is currently investing in that are harming your relationship and your home.”

“I see,” she said slowly. “So where is the containment? I’m realizing I’m actually containing the opposite of what I should be.”

“Exactly. This is the confusion. Your primary movement of containment in the relationship is learning to contain your own gevurot. That means holding firm to the structure you need, insisting that Tzachi channel his powers into the home and the relationship.

“True containment is the ability to stand steady in the face of pressure, guilt, emotional manipulation, and shaken self confidence, and still insist on what you need. It is strengthening the walls of the framework so they do not collapse.”

When the boundaries are strong and stable, the man knows exactly where to direct his energy.

When Breaking Down Is Not Failure

“Ortal,” I said softly, “it’s actually good that you are breaking down. It’s not a failure. It allows your feminine sensitivity to hear the voice of the Shekhinah and recognize that the chesed you are receiving is not real. This awareness can help Tzachi find his correct place.”

“And what does that look like in practice?” she asked.

“You need to insist that Tzachi be present at home during this difficult time. You must understand deeply that this is the right thing for him, for you, and for the home. The center is not Tzachi’s struggles, and not your wounded self esteem. The center is the relationship and the home. That is your shared mission.

“When you begin to feel guilty, telling yourself you are selfish, that you are not sacrificing enough, that he is tired and deserves rest, what happens is that you collapse the gevurot you are meant to bring. You dismantle the very structure that allows him to give correctly. Then the relationship loses its shape, and everyone’s energy is wasted.”

The gevurot that were meant to be expressed outwardly remain trapped inside her, turning into anger toward herself and toward Tzachi.

“By containing Tzachi without anchoring it in the relationship, you prevent him from expressing his masculinity in a healthy way. Instead of a partner, you end up with another child.”

Learning to Recognize True Chesed

“But how will I know?” she asked, overwhelmed.

“When you break down, your instinct awakens to identify what true chesed is, and what is not. You become a vessel to hear the Shekhinah. From that place, you can stand firmly in your gevurot and guide Tzachi to invest his powers where they belong. That is real containment, and that is how the relationship is rebuilt.”