When Trauma Freezes a Marriage: The Moment Choice Returns

"I have been working on myself for two years, not giving up, fighting for our home and this connection endlessly. From her perspective? She tells me she doesn’t want me and doesn’t even know if this relationship has a future, and what she should do with me after I've hurt her all these years."

"So what exactly are you saying?" I asked him.

"I’m saying the situation is stuck, it’s a mess. I feel trapped in a reality where I can’t do anything about it," he replied.

"Let’s see if the situation is really stuck. I have been accompanying you for a long time, through a very long process. You have taken full responsibility for the harm you’ve done, you have asked for and continue to ask for forgiveness, and you are always in the process of fixing things, working on yourself and doing everything possible to build this connection honestly and correctly. I witness that you are in an endless motion towards Rachel, you don’t stop working."

"True, but it’s so frustrating. We’ve been living in separate rooms for two years; do you understand what the relationship looks like?" Aryeh got upset. "I want us to live a normal life like a married couple, in one room."

When Effort Doesn’t Lead to Movement

"What’s stopping you from that?" I asked.

"She claims she can’t. She’s traumatized by me and doesn’t think she can live with me. And I’ll tell you the truth? I understand that, and it’s my fault. How can I blame her after what I’ve done to our relationship?"

"Have you ever asked her how she sees things now? Where is the relationship heading?" I asked.

"Yes. I ask her often, and she says, ‘I don’t know, let’s wait a little longer, and maybe I’ll manage to overcome the trauma I have from you, maybe I’ll get through it.’ These have been the answers I’ve heard for two years, that she doesn’t know, and I also don’t know what to do about this situation. "

"I’m stuck in a relationship that’s going nowhere. I want to have a real couple connection here, but it’s impossible. It's all my fault. If she didn't have trauma from me, she could choose, but now this situation is impossible, and we’re stuck together."

"I want to continue the relationship; I don’t want a divorce, but she’s not willing. What am I supposed to do?"

Choice Is Never Taken Away

"First thing, you need to rid yourself of your false belief," I replied.

"False belief? What do you mean?" he asked.

"Your false belief is that there’s something in this reality, in this situation, that is causing your life to look like it does. Stuck. The trauma from your past behaviors has brought reality to a point where true partnership can’t exist."

"Notice, I’m not downplaying even an ounce of your past behaviors and all the damage you have done to the relationship. The issue is that you are using everything that happened as a reason not to choose. All the stuckness here is from a very strong feeling of helplessness, and that’s what prevents you from choosing. Come on, Aryeh, answer me. What do you want? Do you want to continue living this way or not?"

"Of course I don’t want to; what kind of life is this?"

"So why have you been living this way for two years?" I asked.

"Because I don’t know what to do. She can’t overcome her difficult feelings towards me, and rightfully so."

"Notice. You don’t want to live this way, but you continue anyway, because you are not choosing. You blame the situation instead of choosing."

"There is one thing that Hashem does not relinquish, and it’s a central law. He does not take away from anyone the ability to choose. You need to understand that there are two options here: to continue with Rachel or not to continue with her."

"You don’t actually have any credit to tell yourself that the situation is to blame or that Rachel is to blame. You are not choosing. You don’t want to make a decision that will change the course of your life. You are waiting for someone else to choose, but Hashem’s will is that you will choose where to lead your life."

"You feel like you need to choose something that your entire fate depends on, and this is a crazy choice. How can one choose when they feel the meaning of the choice will determine their destiny? You are placing your happiness in someone else’s hands."

"So what am I supposed to do?" he asked.

"After you understand that you’re not choosing, not because of the situation and not because of Rachel, you need to release another basic assumption."

"Which one?"

"Your basic assumption about the relationship, that your happiness lies with Rachel. When she is happy then you are happy. When she is angry and doesn’t give you the attention you need then you are angry or sad."

"When you think that your happiness is in Rachel’s hands, you are bound to that and can’t see otherwise, and then you really can’t choose. You must reach the point where it’s the opposite. Joy doesn’t lie with her, but is in your ability to choose."

"Your joy should come from the fact that Hashem believes in your existence, entrusting you with the choice that will create joy and meaning in all your relationships."

Wanting to Be Chosen

"Are you saying that it doesn’t matter what I choose?" he asked.

"You can choose anything, as long as you understand well the sides of the choice first," I explained.

"So essentially you want me to make lists of pros and cons, and then choose?" he asked.

"No. Right now you don’t need to engage in whether it’s worthwhile to choose this or not, but rather clearly and precisely see the picture of the choice before you."

"You need to essentially understand both sides. One side you are choosing. Currently you have good friendship and connection between you, but for two years you have not lived as a married couple. It could be that in a slow process, as you continue with love, devotion, and repair for your past, she will manage to recover from the trauma, return to herself, and develop a desire to live a true partnership with you."

"It’s also possible that it won’t work out, and you’ll remain stuck like this forever. Choosing that side means you choose to live with a woman with whom it is possible that you can succeed and at the same time possible that you won’t succeed in creating a true partnership, and that has huge implications, and it’s important for you to know them."

"The other side is that you don’t choose her. You want to choose a woman who wants a partnership and connection. Who works on moving into the relationship. Who is dealing with her issues and making efforts to build the relationship. It’s possible that such a demand won’t fit her, and then you’ll have to leave her, and perhaps it will take you three or ten years to find someone else who is suitable. It’s also possible that with the new woman, you won’t have the same kind of friendship as you had with Rachel, but you’ll be able to maintain a marriage."

"It could even be that you won’t find anyone else at all. It’s hard to know. But you have both sides of the choice, and now you need to choose without any self-deception."

"You must understand the meaning of the choice. From here on out, you have no one to blame, no more excuses and nowhere to run. You need to throw yourself into the choice completely, to go with what you chose."

"So what am I supposed to do? I want to choose a woman who does want me."

"After you internally process all these psychological dealings, you will be able to develop within yourself a true, honest place free of anger and fears. A place full of pain for the state of the relationship and full of humility regarding your responsibility for where the relationship has reached. Then, with a lot of sensitivity, love, and a desire to build the connection, tell her that you choose her only if she chooses you. You do not choose her in any way if she doesn’t choose you."

"But what if she asks for time to decide if she wants to choose me?" he asked.

"Give yourselves a reasonable time for thought, for example a month or two, so she can reach a point of choice. You only desire to live with a woman who chooses you, and not with a woman who does not choose you. You do not choose to stay for another two years in a world where you live in a room with yourself."

"It’s important to understand this choice is both yours and hers. Many times there will be difficulties and situations that will cause both of you to feel weak and feel that maybe you didn’t choose. All the work that you both have from the moment of choice is to strengthen your choice."

Inspired by Rabbi Eliyahu Levy’s fascinating course, "The Couple’s Space Cube."