Discipline According to Torah: How to Educate with Love, Boundaries, and Encouragement

One of the illnesses of contemporary educational thinking is the tendency toward extremes regarding punishment. Some reject every form of discipline and never take a firm stance with their children, neither through actions nor through words, even when negative behavior repeats itself again and again. Others claim that without physical punishment a child cannot be educated, and therefore adopt it as a fixed method.

The Torah teaches that both approaches are mistaken. A parent who strikes a child for every failure eventually loses any deterrent effect. Instead of educating, such behavior merely teaches the child to fear acting a certain way when being watched. When alone, however, the child may behave even worse, like a tightly wound spring that leaps higher the more it is pressed down. Beyond this, such an approach can damage a child’s emotional world in ways that may be irreversible.

The Danger of Excessive Fear

The Talmud explains that one who imposes excessive fear within the home may ultimately stumble into serious wrongdoing (Gittin 6b). Even if the intention is to guide family members toward proper behavior, excessive severity often produces the opposite result. This applies equally to one’s spouse and to one’s children.

At the same time, many sources among the Sages and halachic authorities clarify that in certain situations punishment may be necessary when a child persists in negative behavior.

The balance between warning against excessive fear and acknowledging that discipline may sometimes be unavoidable leads to a middle path. Punishment must never become a permanent educational method, yet a child should know that as a last resort such an option exists. In this way, the child avoids emotional harm while also gaining support in overcoming natural impulses that may lead toward negative choices.

The Right Attitude Toward Discipline

The Sages offered a powerful parable to explain warnings about punishment in the Torah. They compared it to a new queen entering the royal palace for the first time after her wedding. The king, who had not yet fully built trust, led her through a hall where whips and instruments of punishment were displayed. Frightened, she assumed he punished his wife for every mistake. Immediately the king reassured her that these tools were meant only for rebellious servants, not for her. Her place in the palace was to eat, drink, and rejoice (Vayikra Rabbah 15:3).

The king’s true and ongoing relationship with his queen is one of closeness, joy, and friendship. Yet he ensured she was aware that punishment exists, strengthening her loyalty by understanding the consequences of betrayal.

When she misunderstood and became afraid, he quickly clarified with warmth and reassurance. He also directed the warning toward others, showing full trust in her. Likewise, a child must develop a positive self image. Labels should never be used, because they shape identity. Instead, correction should be framed within affirmation of the child’s genuine strengths.

The Creator’s inclusion of punishments in the Torah reflects this same idea. The child must feel that the parent child relationship is built on closeness, friendship, and sincere love. At the same time, the possibility of discipline as a last resort should be understood.

But what happens when punishment truly becomes necessary? Does everything then become permissible? The Torah teaches that even when discipline is required, it must follow clear conditions.

First Condition: Discipline Must Come From Love

The verse states, “You shall know in your heart that just as a man disciplines his son, so Hashem your God disciplines you” (Devarim 8:5). Discipline motivated by anger is forbidden. If a parent feels overwhelmed by rage, the child must not be struck at that moment. The Vilna Gaon explains in Even Shleimah(chapter 6, letter 4) that correction should aim to protect the child’s future, not to release uncontrolled emotion. Otherwise the act becomes cruelty rather than education, and the child senses that it does not come from love, which can deeply damage the relationship.

Second Condition: The Child Must Understand the Wrongdoing

Punishment is appropriate only when it is clear that the child knew the behavior was wrong and acted intentionally. If the child did not understand, punishment leads to a dangerous conclusion that the parents act out of hatred rather than guidance. Repeated experiences like this can cause the child to reject both the parents and the values they try to teach.

Third Condition: Considering the Child’s Age and Nature

The Talmud recounts a case in which someone who struck an older child was condemned because doing so might provoke the child to respond disrespectfully and thus cause further wrongdoing (Moed Katan 17a). Rashi explains that an older child might retaliate and thereby be caused to stumble. The Shulchan Aruch rules accordingly that one who strikes an older child may be placed under sanction (Yoreh Deah 240:20). Commentators such as the Ritva clarify that “older” refers not only to age but to a stage at which defiance is likely.

Fourth Condition: Gentleness Even When Discipline Is Needed

The Sages taught that even when physical discipline is used, it must be extremely gentle, more symbolic than painful, “like striking with a shoelace” (Bava Batra 21b). Its purpose is to awaken the child from negative behavior, not to harm.

The Power of Calm and Encouragement

Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe emphasizes in Alei Shur (vol. 1, p. 260) that the deep bond between parent and child is what guides a child toward a life of values. Excessive fear destroys this bond, echoing the warning that too much intimidation brings many failures.

The Sages taught that even necessary household instructions must be spoken gently so that they will be accepted (Shabbat 34a). Words spoken calmly are far more effective than those spoken in anger. Even if shouting produces immediate obedience, it does not create lasting educational impact.

A parent must remember that what seems obvious to an adult may feel entirely new and difficult for a child. Firmness should be calm and steady, not driven by haste or agitation. Education succeeds only through patience.

He further explains that “discipline” includes many forms beyond physical punishment. A disappointed look or a gentle expression of sadness can serve as a form of guidance. Shlomo HaMelech’s teaching, “He who withholds the rod hates his son, but he who loves him seeks discipline early” (Mishlei 13:24), refers not only to physical punishment but to all forms of meaningful guidance. The prophet Zechariah also speaks of two staffs, one called Pleasantness and the other Severity (Zechariah 11:7), teaching that a “staff of pleasantness” can guide more effectively than harshness.

Encouragement as a Central Educational Tool

The Talmud tells of a teacher whose prayers were answered during a drought because of his gentle approach to students. When a child lost motivation, he encouraged and appeased the child with kindness until learning resumed willingly (Taanit 24a).

The Rambam explains that educators should motivate children through rewards appropriate to their developmental stage. A young child might be encouraged with small treats, later with clothing or honor, and eventually with the aspiration to become wise and respected. Over time, the motivation matures from external incentives to internal purpose, fulfilling the principle that “from doing something not for its own sake, one comes to do it for its own sake” (Pesachim 50b).

Education should not rely on force or coercion. Instead, parents and teachers must continually seek ways to make learning and responsibility beloved to the child. Through encouragement, patience, and genuine connection, a child grows emotionally healthy, intellectually developed, and fulfilled in their learning journey.