How to Build Discipline in Children and Teens: A Torah Based Parenting Guide

The following two fundamental rules have been addressed regarding discipline in education:

The first rule: A consistent educational approach that contains a correct balance between firm boundaries and genuine warmth and closeness.

The second rule: Insisting on the implementation of what the child was asked to do, or to refrain from doing. This is aside from rare and special cases in which the child is given a brief explanation, without apologizing or groveling, about the new factor that caused the decision to change. For example: “I didn’t agree to let you go to the friends’ meeting because I didn’t know the counselor would also be there.”

In this article, we will focus on three additional rules.

Rule One: Your Request Must Communicate Seriousness

One of the biggest challenges many parents struggle with is children not obeying important instructions, especially during stressful or rushed times. For example, during bedtime routines when it is getting late and the children are still busy with their own activities. Or when a parent tells them to tidy their room and they continue playing. And so on.

Frustrated mothers often say that none of their requests, and even their shouting, works. Sometimes they feel forced to resort to hitting so the children will go to sleep or clean up. The result is painful tension, resentment on both sides, a heavy heart for the parent, and a sense of failure in education.

However, in most cases, if the mother examines how she delivered the message, she will discover that the children did not truly understand how serious she was, even though she absolutely meant it seriously.

Children have extremely sensitive “detectors” that read what lies beyond words. They activate these detectors most strongly when the parent’s demand is inconvenient. They are trying to sense how necessary it really is to comply.

If a mother is busy with something else, such as a phone call, organizing the kitchen, or any side task, and while occupied she tells the children to go to bed, the message that reaches them is: “I want you to go to sleep, but it’s not that important to me. What I’m doing right now matters more.” She does not mean that, but that is what the children pick up, and the result follows accordingly.

To communicate seriousness, the parent must pause all other matters for a few minutes and focus fully on what is being demanded. For example, she should give up the phone call and stop kitchen tasks at bedtime, approach the children, give a clear instruction pleasantly but without ambiguity, and wait until she sees compliance begin.

To make it easier for children to detach from what they are doing, it is very helpful to give advance notice. Ten to fifteen minutes before bedtime, the mother can kindly mention how much time remains, even while still doing other tasks. This prepares the children emotionally and helps them begin finishing up.

When the time arrives, she should stop what she is doing, and calmly but with friendly authority let them know that it is time to sleep. She should stand firm in the face of their arguments. In the early stage, she may also gently help them fold up games, move toward their room, and get ready for bed.

She should repeat this every evening until the children absorb the message: “She is serious and decisive about this, and she will not give up until it happens.” She must restrain herself from losing control even if the children resist during the transition from their old habit of delaying as long as possible. Often, their resistance is simply a test of how real the change is.

Once they understand there is no way around it and that this is the new policy, they will cooperate and may even enjoy the calmer bedtime atmosphere.

Practically, she should check in occasionally until bedtime preparation is complete, and remain with them until they are covered, say Shema, and receive a goodnight kiss. If conversations start up after they are already in bed, she may stay near the room in the first days until they fall asleep. Later, occasional visits will be enough to ensure quiet, until the new routine becomes firmly established.

Only after a period in which the message of seriousness has been properly absorbed can she resume handling other important matters while giving instructions. Even then, she must ensure that the seriousness does not gradually erode over time.

Rule Two: Avoid Threats You Cannot or Will Not Carry Out

Shlomo HaMelech teaches in Kohelet: “Better not to vow than to vow and not pay” (Kohelet 5:4). A person who makes a vow and does not fulfill it commits a wrong, so it would have been better not to vow at all.

Similarly, when a parent threatens a child with something the parent clearly will not follow through on, the threat loses all value. Worse, the parent is seen as someone whose words do not carry weight.

Examples include threats like: “If you don’t listen to me, you won’t attend your brother’s bar mitzvah,” or “We won’t buy you a winter coat,” and anything similar. Even if at first the child becomes scared and thinks the threat may actually happen, over time the child learns the truth.

From that point on, even threats the parent truly can and intends to enforce will be treated with open contempt. This can become a rolling snowball: the parent increases threats to create discipline, the child ignores them, the parent punishes in an extreme way, the child rebels against the perceived injustice, the parent escalates further, and it spirals.

Therefore, if you decide to create discipline through warning of a consequence, use a reasonable consequence involving something the child cares about, but not something so severe that it sparks rebellion, and not something you cannot realistically enforce.

Rule Three: Express Trust Instead of Disappointment

Sometimes parents who are disappointed by a child’s academic performance throw harsh words at him that cause him to lose hope of success, and with it the desire to invest effort. From there, discipline problems can follow quickly.

A child who feels unappreciated by the adults around him can develop emotional distance that eventually becomes outright refusal to cooperate.

When a child consistently has low achievements, parents must remember that not every child who does not reach high grades is being careless or disrespectful toward learning. Very often the child has different strengths that are not expressed in purely academic study.

Strengthening feelings of inadequacy through humiliating words from parents or teachers leads to insecurity, misery, emotional shutdown, alienation, and disappointment with themselves, their family, and the educational system as a whole.

In addition, when a child repeatedly struggles academically, parents should first check whether there is an indirect cause. In the early grades, simple things like vision or hearing problems should be investigated. In many cases, a child does not realize they are not absorbing what the teacher is explaining. A basic eye or hearing exam can reveal the root issue, and a simple solution such as glasses or a hearing aid can dramatically change the child’s path.

At older ages, it sometimes becomes clear that a child is highly suited to a different kind of learning that is not purely theoretical. Integrating the child into an appropriate class, program, or extracurricular framework can fill him with joy and satisfaction and even strengthen his willingness to invest effort in areas that are harder for him.

If it becomes clear that the child truly is capable of strong achievements but is not investing, then instead of accusations, parents should use genuine reinforcement. Praise real achievements the child does reach, without inserting humiliating references to the past into the compliment.

It is better to say, “I always knew I have a smart and thoughtful child,” than to say, “You see you’re capable, so why are you always not trying?” Expressing trust in a child’s abilities creates an inner drive to live up to the trust placed in him.

Discipline During Adolescence

In many cases, teenagers find authority and discipline far harder to accept than younger children. To address this, we must first understand the root of the problem.

The core challenge of adolescence, which causes so many clashes between parents and teens, is the major difference in how the teenager’s status is viewed. Adolescence is a transition between childhood and adulthood.

Childhood is characterized by parents guiding and leading the child. Adulthood is characterized by independence, where the person leads themselves. This is the friction point: the teenager feels the internal changes in body and soul and becomes convinced that they are already mature and capable of deciding what is right. The parents, however, still see a child who needs guidance.

In this difference of perspective, the parents are correct, because adolescence is marked by many errors and misjudgments. Still, a wise parent must remember why it is hard for a teenager to submit to parental judgment. The teen genuinely believes they understand no less than their parents.

Therefore, it is essential to build a healthy relationship with the teen, a relationship based on mutual respect, combined with a sense of respectful awe toward the parent. Under no circumstances should criticism, refusal, or any approach to a teen be delivered with contempt, ridicule, or sarcasm.

One insult can wound a teenager deeply and create destructive distance for years. Correct criticism should not be delivered from hot anger that broadcasts rejection and disgust. It should be delivered with pain about what happened and with a look that conveys love and sincere concern.

This approach does not push the teen away and is far more convincing. In contrast, words spoken in burning anger turn parent and teen into enemies on opposite sides, fighting over who will win.

Preparing the Ground for Criticism Through Praise

To prepare a teen to accept correction when necessary, parents should seize every opportunity to uplift him and praise him for real strengths and good qualities. If it can be done in front of extended family, even better, such as during a visit from grandparents.

Words of praise spoken in the teen’s presence, with a parent’s face shining with genuine happiness, create healthy satisfaction and a sense of capability. Naturally, the teen will strive to justify the praise and will be more open to criticism said from love.

If a teen is accustomed to hearing only criticism, he lives with the feeling that his parents see no good in him, and he shuts down to everything they say.

The Power of Trust, Especially for Teens

A message of trust is extremely helpful, especially during adolescence. When a teen asks for something more “grown up” that the parents plan to approve, it is wise to add a sentence of trust, such as: “For a responsible kid like you, of course I agree.”

If the teen requests an unusual purchase that the parents intend to grant, it helps to add: “For a wonderful child like you, who I’m truly proud of, it’s only right that you should get it.”

Short sentences like these can create real change in family relationships and in the teen’s willingness to accept parental authority.

When the Relationship Is Already in Crisis

If the relationship is already in crisis, the parents are shouting out of frustration, and the teen responds in the same tone, the first step is to rebuild the relationship through a drastic change.

The parents should decide together that for two or three weeks they will almost completely stop criticizing him. In such a period, most comments are not effective anyway, and the teen will do what he wants. During these weeks, the parents should make an effort to compliment him naturally on strengths and on every good deed. At the same time, they should express affection in ways appropriate to the teen’s age and personality and to the current level of tension.

For example, they can start by placing a small surprise on his bed when he comes home, with a short, warm note. They can continue with a loving smile or a brief, friendly hug, until eventually they may even fulfill a request that previously would have been rejected because of negative behavior.

Reintroducing Guidance After Trust Is Rebuilt

After several weeks of closeness and trust building, once tension begins to dissolve, parents can gradually return to guidance and criticism, but only according to these rules:

1. Ask only for something small that he will certainly do. Do not begin with requests or criticism that you know will fail.

2. Prefer, at first, a request that will make him feel good afterward. For example: “Can you help me lift this?” After he helps, he feels a natural sense of warmth and success.

3. Thank him and praise him after he complies.

Later, parents can expand the topics that need correction, while keeping the right balance and speaking with love for the teen and pain over the negative action, replacing the uncontrolled rage of the past that grew from frustration.

Choosing Battles Wisely and Creating Room for Yes

From then on, parents should keep criticism and refusals only for what truly matters. They should almost ignore what is not so important, and what is known in advance that talking will not help, neither now nor later.

In addition, with a teen who struggles with discipline, parents should agree more often to things that are permitted, and reserve refusals for what is truly forbidden or dangerous. In other words, if with a typical child a parent might refuse something allowed due to side considerations, in this case it is often wiser to be more flexible with what is permitted, in order to preserve the strength of absolute boundaries where it truly matters.

This must be done wisely and carefully so as not to harm the education of the other children in the family.

Supervision Without Intrusion

In general, parents must “monitor from above” their teenager’s conduct, knowing what is happening at home and outside. But they must be extremely careful not to create the feeling of snooping.

Supportive interest in the teen’s activities, especially things he loves, together with accurate compliments, helps him feel that his parents recognize he is growing up and that he is valued and loved.

This does not contradict parental oversight. Parents still supervise the teen’s path until he reaches true maturity and full independence. That is the goal every parent of a teenager should strive for.