When Equality Turns Into Conflict: Rethinking Roles in Marriage

“Nothing satisfies her. She’s always sad and bitter. I’ve tried everything she asked of me, and I’m completely desperate. She keeps accusing me of not being man enough. You know what? Maybe she’s right. Maybe I really am not man enough,” Itamar said in frustration.

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” Dalia replied, visibly upset. “A man is someone who takes responsibility for his woman. I feel like he doesn’t pursue me, doesn’t take charge of the household, doesn’t behave like a gentleman. I often find myself lifting heavy things or handling matters that he should be taking care of.”

“Who decided that?” Itamar protested. “Who said I’m the one who always has to pursue, plan outings, and lead the household? Why can’t it be equal? Why can’t sometimes I lead and sometimes she does?”

Equality and the Danger of Blurred Roles

“Equality is important,” I responded, “but we must be careful that the pursuit of equality does not blur the distinct roles of men and women. When those lines disappear, serious crises can develop within relationships."

“To understand these roles, we need to look at the wisdom of our sages, shaped over thousands of years. Their teachings reveal the structure, qualities, and inner makeup of the male and female soul.”

Our sages taught:

“And he loves her as his own body.” When a wife suffers, her husband should feel that pain as though it were his own.

“And he honors her more than himself.” A man is meant to place his wife in a position of honor, comfort, and priority, because she is the essence of the home."

“Itamar,” I continued, “if you believe your needs come before Dalia’s, and that she exists merely to accompany your life or fulfill your needs, then there is a fundamental misunderstanding of marriage.”

A Man’s Path and the Need for Direction

“Our sages also taught that a man’s path is to conquer. Conquest means creating a path. Vision. Direction. A man cannot live only from spontaneity. He needs a structured course of development."

“When a man lacks a clear path and does not lead the household, it becomes very difficult for his wife to commit to him."

“Take a simple example. If your goal is to move to a new apartment, it makes no sense to spend large sums on hobbies that interfere with that goal. The path acts as an anchor. When distractions appear, you know where to return."

“Emotion is unstable, intellect is stable. A man must lead according to intellect, not according to passing emotion. From the root of the word man comes overcoming. Overcoming impulses, obstacles, and desires.”

Maturity and Inner Value

“A man’s development should lead him to become an influencer, not only toward his wife and children, but even toward his aging parents. Supporting them, strengthening them."

“Do you know how to tell if a person has truly matured emotionally?” I asked.

“How?” Itamar responded.

“When your sense of value comes from within yourself, not from external validation. When a person still needs constant approval from others, emotional development has not yet been completed."

“There are even parents who need their children to validate them. That reverses the natural order and damages the parent child structure.”

Why a Man Must Pursue

“But I still don’t understand,” Itamar insisted. “Why do I need to pursue her? I love being pursued too. Everyone likes to feel wanted.”

“When we say a man should pursue,” I explained, “we are speaking about pursuit of his lost treasure, his missing half. On a spiritual level, he seeks what is incomplete within himself."

“After marriage, a man often feels he has found what he was missing and stops searching. A woman, however, continues to feel that need for pursuit, because by nature she experiences herself as separate."

“When Dalia experiences you as emotionally childish, she cannot feel her worth as a woman within the marriage. She needs to feel that you pursue her, desire her, and value her.”

“But I do love her,” Itamar said, turning toward Dalia. “Who do you think I work so hard for? Why do I need to constantly prove it?”

“You only show it when you want something in return,” Dalia answered quietly. “I don’t feel it in our daily life.”

Giving Versus Influencing

“True influence,” I explained, “is complete giving, without expectation of return. The moment giving is done in order to receive, it is no longer influence. It becomes a transaction.”

“So I just give all the time and she takes?” Itamar complained. “That doesn’t sound equal.”

The Woman’s Role and Inner Strength

“The woman’s role is no less demanding,” I replied. “Our sages say, ‘A woman is a helpmate against him.’ She stands at an angle he cannot see, guiding him toward the right path. She is not against him, but responsible for his growth and the development of the family.”

“That doesn’t sound so hard,” Itamar muttered.

“Is educating children easy?” I asked. “When you guide them and they resist, is that simple work?

“Dalia must stand firm against your resistance, against your doubts, and against your lack of trust that she sees a clearer direction. That task is even harder than guiding children, because you are not under her authority.”

When I began quoting, “Who is a virtuous woman? She does her husband’s will,” Dalia interrupted sharply.

“I hate that phrase. Am I supposed to be his servant?”

Two Essential Interpretations

“There are many interpretations,” I said, “but let’s focus on two.

“The first is that a woman helps refine her husband’s desires, guiding him toward what truly matters, family, children, and the relationship. A man can immerse himself in work, study, or hobbies without realizing that marriage requires emotional closeness. The woman shows the direction, and the man must trust her emotional insight."

“The second interpretation is that the man leads the household and paves the way, and the woman walks that path, after mutual agreements and adjustments, guiding the children and the home even in his absence.”

“She doesn’t do that,” Itamar objected.

“She hasn’t fully consented to your path,” I responded. “That is why you encounter resistance. Once she agrees and refines the path with her needs, she must follow it, and that will allow you to grow as a man.”

Giving, Receiving, and Gratitude

“A woman is a vessel for her man. A man’s essence is to influence and give strength. The woman receives that strength.”

“She doesn’t want anything from me,” Itamar burst out. “She doesn’t appreciate anything I try to give.”

“When there is joy and pleasure in the relationship, you know you are on the right path,” I said. “Gratitude strengthens closeness.”

“Thank him?” Dalia responded angrily. “When does he thank me for my sacrifices? I guide him and get belittled for it.”

Understanding Different Perspectives

“There is a difference between masculine and feminine perspectives,” I explained. “The masculine view is practical. If actions bring no result, a man has no motivation to repeat them."

“When you show appreciation, you strengthen him. A man’s deepest desire is to make his wife happy. When you treat him like another child, you weaken his role.”

Building a Clear Structure

“Dalia, you serve as a signpost for Itamar. You help distinguish between core and peripheral in building the home. By doing so, you invite him to influence you with his strengths."

“If we remember that we are equal in worth, but different in roles, our chances of building a stable family increase greatly."

“When roles are unclear, chaos enters the relationship, creating constant conflict and preventing true construction of the marital home.”

Inspired by the teachings of lecturer Eyal Konforty.