Don’t Wait for Your Partner to Lead: How Change Really Begins

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Tour guides have a problem. A serious one, capable of ruining an entire day of sightseeing.

The Gas Station Standoff

The bus stops at a gas station for a short break. The guide sets a clear return time and asks everyone to be back and ready to board.

People step off the bus, stretch their legs, refresh themselves, and enjoy the pause.

The return time arrives.

But no one gets on the bus.

Instead, the travelers are scattered into several small groups, each standing about a minute’s walk away from the bus.

The guide approaches the first group and says, “Come on, it’s time to get back on the bus.”

They respond calmly, “Of course. But not everyone is back yet. As soon as everyone comes, we’ll get on.”

The guide moves to the second group. “We’re waiting for you. Let’s board.”

“What?” they answer. “We’re ready. We’ll get on the moment everyone else does.”

The guide tries again with the third and fourth groups, but nothing changes. After all, why should anyone board the bus while others are still enjoying the fresh air?

Finally, frustrated, the guide calls the group leader over. Standing near the closest group, he raises his voice.

“We’re already fifteen minutes late. Why aren’t you getting on the bus?”

The group grumbles among themselves. “Everyone is taking their time, and only we’re being yelled at. He must have something against us.”

A Lesson From the Road

This observation was shared with me by my husband El’ad, who worked as a tour guide for several years.

“But El’ad,” I asked, “what does this have to do with my question? I asked how I can bring more women into the couples course.”

“It’s exactly the same,” he replied, while I was still trying to understand.

“Most people don’t want to act unless they’re sure their partner is acting too. The first waits for the second, and the second waits for the first. This can go on endlessly.”

Creating a New Norm

“In all my tours,” El’ad continued, “I found only one way to get people back on the bus on time."

“Before the very first break, I explained exactly what would happen. I told them that everyone tends to wait for everyone else, and that this behavior causes delays and ruins the rest of the day. I described what happened with previous groups and explained how even a few minutes late could disrupt the entire schedule."

“I added warnings, exaggerations, and a sense of urgency, because the norm set during the first break usually continues throughout the trip."

“And when it worked, when we actually boarded on time, I celebrated. I started applause, praised the group, and made it into a moment. That created a behavioral norm. After that, the breaks ran smoothly.”

Why Couples Get Stuck

“This is exactly what happens in couples,” he said.

“Each partner waits for the other to take the first step. The woman doesn’t start a process because her husband isn’t interested. The husband doesn’t start because he’s waiting for her to change something first. Years pass, and both are standing at the gas station, waiting.”

“The only way to move forward in life,” El’ad concluded, “is to create an independent behavioral norm. I choose to grow. With you or without you. I take responsibility for improving the relationship. With you or without you.”

One Person Is Enough

This week, I remembered that conversation from many years ago.

I had just finished a series of ten meetings with a couple. At the final meeting, they told me through tears, “It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. We have never been this close.”

What moved me most was that the husband had only attended four of the ten sessions.

It was the wife who had been corresponding with me for years. She hesitated to purchase a course or begin counseling because her husband was not interested. And I kept telling her the same thing. Learn on your own. Come on your own. Don’t wait for someone else to begin your personal growth.

In the end, she came alone.

She took courses in couples communication and additional programs. On her own.

The impact on her marriage was profound, even before her husband joined any sessions. She had already made significant changes. Her relationship with their children improved. Her connections with both sets of parents deepened. She gained courage, learned to express herself, learned to care for herself, and learned to enjoy life again.

When her husband finally joined a few meetings, it was simply the final touch. The cherry on top of an already nourishing and satisfying process.

A Quiet Dedication

This article is dedicated with love to women whose husbands are not invested in the relationship, and also to men whose wives are not interested. There are those too.

Everything described here is based on true stories. Both the tours and the couples.

Efrat Tzur is a nurse, couples consultant, lecturer, and workshop facilitator specializing in relationships and individuation.