When Giving Turns Into Distance: A Therapy Room Conversation

Couples often arrive in my therapy room exhausted, convinced they are speaking different languages. What usually emerges is not a lack of love, but a lack of understanding of the different inner movements each partner brings into the relationship.

“I really don’t understand what she wants,” Chaim complained. “I feel like she’s just looking for a reason to argue with me all the time. It’s exhausting.”

“I feel like you don’t care about me,” Odalia replied. “You’re busy with yourself, and our relationship doesn’t seem to interest you.”

“Don’t care?” Chaim shot back. “What am I not giving you? I don’t spend money on myself. Whatever you want, I take care of immediately. How can you still complain? I give so much and get so little in return. I feel exploited, like I’m living with an ungrateful woman.”

“That’s exactly the problem,” Odalia answered angrily. “I feel that your giving comes with expectations. When you don’t get what you want, you become angry. That makes me shrink and feel unsafe with you. I’d rather you keep your business mindset at work and not bring it into our relationship.”

At that point, I stepped in.

“The deepest aspiration of marriage,” I said, “is revelation. It’s about bringing the relationship into clarity, drawing the Shechinah into the home, and reaching unity. To do that, there are a few dynamics you need to understand.”

“In a marital relationship,” I continued, “the first movement of influence needs to come from the man. Chaim, when you give Odalia one unit of emotional energy, she multiplies it. That single unit becomes many. From it she builds the home, gives birth, raises and educates children, works, manages daily life, and returns love to you. A vast system grows from one precise act of giving.”

Turning to Odalia, I added, “Your role is to communicate your needs clearly and directly, with confidence and trust, so Chaim knows where to direct his giving.”

Then I addressed them both.

“Marriage moves constantly between separation and connection,” I explained. “Within this rhythm, men and women move in opposite psychological directions, and each movement is accompanied by fear. When there isn’t awareness of these fears, they create distance instead of unity.”

“Chaim,” I said, “your natural movement is outward. You give, invest, and influence. But this movement is accompanied by a deep fear that Odalia will reject you, and that all the energy you invest won’t be received.”

“You experience Odalia as part of yourself,” I continued. “To you, the connection feels obvious. That’s why you often don’t feel a need to verbalize love or express it through gestures. In your inner world, unity already exists, and you don’t understand why it needs to be reaffirmed again and again.”

I then turned to Odalia.

“Your psychological movement is inward,” I said. “You approach the relationship through self-effacement and receptivity, and that leaves you exposed. Your fears are different. You’re afraid of receiving what you don’t actually need. You’re afraid of becoming dependent.”

“Your natural perception is one of separation,” I went on. “Unity does not feel self-evident to you. Each time, you need to experience the connection anew. That’s why emotional reassurance, affection, and expressions of closeness are essential for you.”

“What emotional experience?” Chaim asked.

“The experience you feel pressured to provide,” I answered. “Courtship, presence, emotional expression, and clear signals that the relationship itself matters.”

I concluded, “The fears each of you carries are what create this destructive cycle. Chaim, you feel incapable of bringing your wife joy. Odalia, you feel unable to trust Chaim’s ability to nourish the emotional system of the marriage. When you recognize these patterns, you stop fighting each other and begin working with the structure of the relationship instead of against it.”

Hannah Dayan
Relationship therapist