Beyond Tips: What Real Couple Communication Looks Like

People often ask me for tips on couple communication.

If you know me, you already know this about me: I’m not really a “tips” person.

Still, if I have to give tips, here’s what I honestly believe.

Tip 1: Communication begins with understanding and it can be learned

Communication is a skill. Just like learning French, giving a presentation, or baking pastries. It isn’t something you’re either born with or not. It isn’t “natural,” and it isn’t intuitive. It’s learning.

Tip 2: Communication must be practiced, both “dry” and “wet”

Learning theory is important, but learning alone does not change real life. You need practice.

First comes “dry” practice: structured, intentional exercises. Sometimes they feel forced. Sometimes they’re awkward. Sometimes they’re even funny. That’s normal.

But dry practice isn’t enough. Then comes “wet” practice: taking what you practiced and using it in real life, in real moments. At first, this can feel artificial. You have to stick with it until the new way of communicating starts to feel natural.

Tip 3: There are no shortcuts

If you want real change, there’s no way around it. You have to go through Tip 1 and Tip 2. Skipping steps doesn’t work.

Tip 4: Good communication requires having something to say

Statements like “I’m hot,” “You upset me,” or “I want a vacation” reflect a fairly basic level of self expression.

If you want to have something meaningful to say, communication exercises alone won’t help. You need to bring content into your life. Depth. Experiences. Reflection. That’s where real expression comes from.

Social media usually doesn’t like tips like these. They’re too real. Algorithms prefer advice that promises instant results.

So if you want that kind of tip, here you go.

Tip 5: Free yourself from the need for validation

Comments like “You’re so right,” “Amazing,” or “I can’t believe they did that to you” feel good, but when expression depends on affirming feedback, communication becomes weaker.

When you practice expressing yourself simply to express, not to be validated, you become more connected to yourself, more grounded, and more interesting. Your backbone grows stronger. That’s healthy for you and for your relationship.

This might still be too real for a tip, but let’s try one more.

Tip 6: Be curious about your partner’s world

Ask your partner about what interests them, even when it doesn’t interest you. Try to understand what matters to them and why. The wording here may sound feminine, but it applies to everyone.

Those are my tips for today.

And still, I don’t really believe in tips.

I believe in couple communication that’s built on learning and personal growth.

In my view, strong couple communication rests on several essential elements:

1. Basic abilities to express and to listen

2. Fundamental communication skills, such as timing and reflecting

3. The ability to express emotions without triggering resistance

4. The ability to discuss disagreements and make decisions without sliding into conflict or distance

5. Polarities: turning differences between partners into interest and positive tension

6. Distinction: the ability to stay connected to who you are, express yourself honestly, tolerate criticism, remain open under stress, and renew interest in the relationship so it doesn’t become flat or routine

So for those looking for quick tips, there are plenty online. They can be useful for passing two minutes while waiting in line at the post office.

But for those who want to go deeper into couple relationships and human connection, these six elements, practiced both “dry” and “wet,” are the real path to growth.

Efrat Tzur is a nurse, relationship counselor, lecturer, and workshop facilitator specializing in couples and distinction. She teaches online courses, is married to Elad, and is a mother of seven.