Avoiding Conflict in Relationships: Why Do We Do This?

It’s interesting that most people agree on one thing: avoiding difficult conversations doesn’t lead to healthy communication. We all know that silence is not a real solution. And yet, many people still find themselves staying quiet about issues that matter deeply to them.

What’s even more interesting is that most people struggle to explain why they stay silent. They know the issue hasn’t disappeared. They know it will eventually surface, often in an uncontrolled way, with painful consequences. And still, they avoid the conversation. Some couples manage to live this way for years, even decades. So what keeps this pattern going, and how can it be changed?

In many cases, the root lies in past pain. At some point, a person tried to speak about a sensitive issue and was met with a negative reaction from their partner. That experience leaves a mark. Over time, the mind builds a kind of internal shortcut: when the thought of raising the issue comes up, it’s immediately followed by automatic messages like, “Don’t bring it up,” “There’s no one to talk to,” or “Better to stay quiet.” Silence starts to feel safer than connection.

So what actually helps break this cycle?

What It Means to Hold Space

The key is something called holding space. Holding space means truly listening to the other person without judgment. It’s important to be clear about one thing: holding space does not mean agreeing.

This is where many people get stuck. They assume that if they listen openly, they are automatically validating or accepting the other person’s position. Because of that fear, they shut down emotionally and stop listening.

But holding space is something different. It means allowing your partner to express themselves fully, including their thoughts and emotions, without interruption, criticism, or defensiveness. It means saying, through your presence, “There is room here for what you’re feeling.”

What happens next is up to you. You are still allowed to disagree, to respond, and to set boundaries. But first, you give your partner the experience of being heard. That alone can change the emotional atmosphere of a relationship.

Practicing It Yourself

Now it’s your turn.

Think about topics in your relationship where you feel unheard. Try opening a conversation and consciously holding space. Let your partner speak. Focus on understanding their emotional experience, not on preparing your response. There will be time later to say what you think.

This kind of attempt can lead to a very different place, both personally and in your couple communication. And once you begin practicing this with your partner, try doing the same with your children. Give them the confidence that you are truly there for them, even when the topic is uncomfortable. With Hashem’s help, you will begin to see real change.

Good luck.

Rabbi Eliyahu Nacash is a marriage counselor and psychotherapist, and chair of the Shalom Bayit organization.