Why Do Couples Give Different Answers to the Same Question?

“I feel like there’s no communication between us. Everything is technical. I’m not even sure he really knows me, really knows me.”
This is how Sarah opened the first session she attended together with her husband, David (names changed).

Many couples who come to the clinic need a deep and lengthy process. But sometimes the issue is much simpler and more focused, as it was with Sarah and David. In their relationship, something very basic was missing. On some level, they both sensed it, yet they couldn’t clearly identify it as the main source of their difficulties.

The Same Question, Two Completely Different Answers

“Do you ever go out together, just the two of you?” I asked.

“Not at all,” Sarah answered.
“For sure,” David replied.

They spoke at the exact same moment. It wasn’t hard to guess who said what.

How can two people in the same marriage give opposite answers to the same question? The answer is simple: each one is answering from their own perspective.

Sarah explained that they have no time alone together whatsoever. They’ve been married for fourteen years, and she can’t remember the last time they went out together without children. If they spend time together, it’s always with the kids, or at least one child.

David, on the other hand, felt confident that they do go out alone. More than once, he said, it was just the two of them and the baby. “For me, that counts as going out alone,” he added firmly. In his view, as long as they aren’t with friends or extended family, it qualifies as couple time.

When Less Really Is More

Here’s the key point: the moment an additional factor joins in, even something small, the dynamic changes. The outing becomes a kind of social gathering rather than true couple time. This is especially true when a baby is involved, since a baby naturally demands constant attention.

When energy is divided between side responsibilities, it becomes almost impossible to create the emotional space needed for real connection and bonding. And those are not luxuries. They are foundational elements of a stable and healthy relationship.

This brings us to a question worth asking honestly: how much do we truly invest in our couple relationship when it comes to carving out quality time that is just for us? And if we realize something is missing, are we willing to approach it as a real opportunity for a fresh start, not just in theory, but in practice?

Good luck.

Rabbi Eliyahu Nakash is a marriage counselor and psychotherapist, and chairman of the Shalom Bayit organization.