Finding Balance in Relationships: Why Initiating Matters

“You know what drives me crazy? He never takes initiative. I always have to tell him what to do, and then he goes and does it. Sometimes I feel like I’m living with a robot. Buy me flowers. Book a weekend away. Plan a family trip. Why do I have to spell out everything?”

Noa paused, then added, “Don’t get me wrong. He’s a good man. Whatever I ask, he does. Still, I feel bad in this relationship.”

Carrying the Relationship on Your Shoulders

“It makes sense that you feel this way,” I told her. “Even with his kindness and willingness to help. From what you’re describing, it sounds like you’re carrying the intention in the relationship all the time. That’s a masculine position. As women, we usually long to experience ourselves in the feminine side of the relationship, and to get there, we need to know how to move ourselves into that place.”

“But how is that even possible?” she asked quickly. “If I let go of all this, there won’t be a relationship.”

Desire, Security, and the Need to Surrender

“Of course it helps when a man is connected to his masculine side, to his own desire,” I said. “The more you feel Mikhail connected to what he wants, the more you feel wanted, influenced, and chosen. That sense of being desired creates security and makes it possible for you to soften and surrender into the relationship.”

“That’s exactly the problem,” she said quietly. “I can’t surrender.”

“Because you’re not letting go of desire,” I explained. “Most of the time, you’re operating from the masculine pole. You manage the home, the children, and all the attempts to fix, improve, and control reality. You’re struggling to reach the feminine side, and the only way there is through a conscious choice to release.”

“For example,” I continued, “when you say, ‘Let’s go on a romantic weekend,’ and he answers, ‘Great, let’s go,’ he’s actually stepping into your desire. In that moment, he becomes the one who is responding rather than initiating, which places him in the feminine position.”

“So what do I need to do for him to connect to his desire?” she asked.

Shifting From Wanting to Feeling

“To shift the dynamic, you need to practice changing the inner question from ‘What do I want?’ to ‘How will this make me feel?’ Before telling Mikhail you want a vacation, pause and ask yourself how you will feel when you’re there.”

“You need to really sense that feeling in your body. When you do, the energy shifts from desire to longing. At that point, there’s a real chance it will awaken his initiative and allow him to reconnect to his own wanting.”

What If He Still Doesn’t Initiate?

“And what if it doesn’t work?” she asked. “What if he still doesn’t initiate?”

“Then share the feeling with him,” I said. “Tell him how you feel when you’re on a couple’s vacation. Emotional information invites him forward much more than instructions do.”

“But what if he wants something totally different?” she wondered.

One Leading Desire at a Time

“There’s something important to understand,” I replied. “In a relationship, there is usually room for one leading desire at a time. Desire drives action. When there are two competing desires, it often leads to tension or distance.”

“When you consistently hold the desire and initiative, many men step back from that space. Their own desire weakens. Often this happens after criticism, disappointment, or anger toward their attempts to initiate. Over time, he learns that initiating is risky, so he shifts into pleasing mode instead.”

“That keeps him safe from disappointing you, but it costs you the very thing you long for: his initiative.”

Where Real Change Begins

“So it all depends on me?” she asked. “Mikhail has no role here?”

“You can only work on your side,” I answered. “You can’t change him directly. But when you move from initiating to feeling, from managing to allowing, he no longer needs to stay in the pleasing role. Gradually, he can rebuild confidence in his natural impulse to step forward, initiate, and act within the relationship.”