Rediscovering Joy in Marriage: The Power of Appreciation

“He doesn’t really see me anymore.”

“She doesn’t respect me.”

“He’s tense all the time and snaps at the kids.”

Sound familiar?

Many couples who come to counseling arrive with a long, detailed list of complaints about their partner. It’s obvious they’re not in a great place. But the real question is this: how does a relationship that once felt warm, loving, and alive turn into a daily struggle?

When Love Was Easy

Think back to the early days of your marriage.

Those first years are like lighting a chanukiah. You stand close, watching each candle being added, and every new flame feels powerful. The light is noticeable. The warmth is real.

But if you walk into the room a few minutes later, from a distance, it’s hard to tell how much light was added at all.

How the Shift Happens

At the beginning of a relationship, we naturally focus on the good. We notice our partner’s strengths, their kindness, their efforts. We’re curious about them. We’re impressed by them.

That focus creates connection. When someone feels appreciated and valued, they feel good about themselves and are more able to give. Love invites love. Appreciation invites generosity. A healthy loop is formed, with both partners actively supporting and uplifting one another.

Over time, though, something subtle changes.

Without realizing it, our partner’s positive qualities fade into the background. They become expected. Taken for granted. What stays in focus are the flaws, the mistakes, the disappointments.

From Support to Struggle

The partner who once felt admired now feels criticized. Instead of encouragement, they sense blame. And like anyone under constant criticism, they begin to react defensively.

Their self-image weakens. Their responses grow sharper. The relationship continues, but the dynamic changes. Instead of warmth and cooperation, the couple finds themselves locked in a constant back-and-forth, each reaction triggering another. A quiet tug-of-war replaces the sense of togetherness.

What was meant to be a place of safety and appreciation starts to feel draining, tense, even lonely.

Where We Choose to Look

Every person carries both strengths and weaknesses. Our partner is no exception.

The question is not what traits exist, but where we place our attention.

The more we focus on what our partner lacks, on what we wish were different, the more distance and frustration we create. Even when there is plenty of good, we stop seeing it.

And focusing on the negative doesn’t only hurt our partner. It shapes our own inner world, filling it with resentment and dissatisfaction.

Bringing the Light Back

If we want to restore closeness and joy, the shift has to begin with us.

Start noticing your partner’s positive qualities again. Not because they earned it today. Not because everything is perfect. But because shining light on the good revives connection.

Look for what they do right. Acknowledge effort. Express appreciation, even when it feels one-sided at first.

When we stop taking the good for granted and begin actively seeing it again, warmth slowly returns.

Because real connection is created together. And when both partners contribute even a small flame, the shared light can once again fill the home.

Avraham Shaharavani is a couples and family counselor, addiction therapist, and lecturer in family studies. He is a member of the Israeli Association for Couples and Family Counseling and a consultant in conflict resolution.