Can Opposites Really Attract? Navigating Relationship Differences

“Listen, we made a huge mistake,” Benjamin said. “I don’t know how I didn’t see this before we got married. We’re just so different."

“I love quiet. I love my routine at the synagogue, coming home after work, sitting and studying without interruptions. And she’s the complete opposite. Always hosting, always wanting people over, always planning trips abroad, always searching for herself somewhere else."

“I can’t stand all the guests she invites every day. It destroys the peace and quiet I need when I get home. And I have no interest in traveling every month or wandering the world."

“We’re clearly not suited for each other. Maybe it’s time for each of us to find someone more compatible.”

When Opposites Feel Like a Mistake

“It sounds like Noa is actually a perfect match for you,” I replied.

He looked at me in disbelief. “We’re completely opposite. How can you say that?”

“The fact that Noa is so different from you is not a flaw,” I said. “It’s a sign. If her differences feel unbearable to you, it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is wrong. It may mean your inner balance is off.”

He frowned. “What does that even mean? What is being balanced supposed to look like?”

What Emotional Balance Really Means

“Every person has one dominant personality trait,” I explained. “That trait shapes how we experience the world, how we react emotionally, and how we make decisions."

“If someone is naturally introverted, emotional health doesn’t mean becoming extroverted. It means not allowing introversion to take over the entire personality and dictate every response, thought, and expectation."

“Balance means your dominant trait doesn’t rule you. You can soften it, step outside it, and make room for other qualities.”

Why Differences Can Feel Threatening

“When you’re emotionally balanced,” I continued, “your partner’s opposite traits feel complementary, not threatening. You can appreciate what they bring into your life, qualities you may not naturally possess."

“The more balanced you are internally, the more attracted you become to your partner’s differences. Those differences stop feeling like an invasion and start feeling like enrichment.”

Benjamin shook his head. “I have to be honest. I feel like I just can’t stand it.”

When One Trait Takes Over

“That feeling comes from one trait dominating everything else,” I said. “It creates rigidity and distance. From there, it’s easy to belittle or dismiss your partner’s strengths."

“Once contempt creeps in, emotional distance follows quickly. And from there, the relationship spirals into the painful place you’re describing now.”

I paused, then added, “Hasidic and Kabbalistic teachings describe this state as inner chaos. When one trait overwhelms all others. Kindness leaves no room for boundaries, or severity leaves no room for warmth. Everything is seen through one narrow lens.”

Growth Requires Inner Work

“To make space for another trait, especially one that’s different from yours, the dominant trait must be softened. Until that happens, it’s very hard to sustain a healthy, growing relationship."

“This kind of work doesn’t happen once. It’s ongoing. Past, present, and future.”

The Work Is Personal

Benjamin asked, “So shouldn’t I bring her here and figure out what she needs to change? How she can meet me halfway?”

“That’s not the point right now,” I answered. “In a real partnership, each person works in their own field. On their own traits, their own reactions."

“When your dominant trait takes over, another person’s difference feels like a threat. Not because they’re wrong, but because there’s no inner space for anything that doesn’t resemble you.”

And that is where the real work begins.

Hannah Dayan
Relationship Therapist