Unlocking Appreciation: Transforming Relationships Through Emotional Language

Have you ever felt like your partner doesn’t truly appreciate you?

Research suggests that a large percentage of divorces stem from one painful feeling: not feeling valued. Many couples speak to each other every day, yet somehow miss one another emotionally. Words are exchanged, but hearts do not meet. Each partner speaks a different emotional language, and without realizing it, they stop hearing what the other truly needs.

It is deeply lonely. Couples can live under the same roof for decades and still feel unseen, unsupported, and unheld. Not fully accepted. Not fully understood.

When Appreciation Matters Most

One woman once said to me:
“It’s not impressive that my husband loves me when I’m at my best. When I look good, cook well, smile, and hold everything together. That’s easy. The real test is when I’m tired, irritable, overwhelmed, when the house is messy, the kids are loud, my hair is a mess, and I didn’t cook his mother’s recipe. That’s when I want to see appreciation, support, and love. That’s when it matters.”

What Children Absorb Without Words

And what about the children who grow up in this emotional climate?

When appreciation disappears between parents, the home slowly fills with tension and emotional distance. Studies show that many attention and concentration difficulties in children are closely linked to stress, frustration, and lack of healthy communication between their parents. Children feel that disconnect deeply, even when no one says a word.

The Hidden Barrier to Appreciation

So why is appreciation so hard?

On the surface, it seems simple. Say a kind word. Offer encouragement. Show gratitude. Yet for many couples, this feels strangely difficult.

The reason lies deeper than our partner’s behavior.

Our reactions are shaped far less by what our partner does and far more by the inner story we tell ourselves. The meaning we assign. The emotional lens through which we interpret reality. When that internal story is critical, wounded, or depleted, appreciation becomes almost impossible.

It Starts With How We See Ourselves

There is another crucial layer as well: how much appreciation we have for ourselves.

The more a person respects and values themselves, the more emotional space they have to appreciate others. Self respect creates generosity of spirit. When we are empty inside, everything feels demanding. When we are nourished within, giving comes naturally.

Our partners are waiting. Waiting to feel important. Waiting to feel valued. Waiting to feel that who they are matters to us, not only when they shine, but also when they struggle.

Appreciation is not a luxury in marriage. It is the oxygen that allows love to keep breathing.

Rabbi Dr. Yaakov Arenberg is the head of the Arenberg Institute, the Institute for Marriage Counseling and Family Studies.