The Power of Compliments: Why We All Need Them

One of the participants in my class once came over to me with a question.

“Do you know why I was late to class?” he asked. “I stayed home to help my wife organize the house. It was a big mess, and she asked me to help. Did I do the right thing?”

Doing the Right Thing and Feeling Seen

“First of all,” I said, “it’s wonderful that you’re attentive and willing to help your wife when she needs you. Whether it was the right choice depends on one thing: does your wife truly value Torah learning?” I wanted to understand whether she asked him to stay because she respects the importance of his learning, or whether she was comfortable having him miss the class.

“Of course she values it,” he answered immediately. “She rarely asks me not to go.”

“And how did you feel afterward?” I asked.

“I felt good,” he said. “But honestly, I would have been really happy if she had said a kind word. Still, why should I ask her for a compliment?”

Appreciation Is Not a Gendered Need

I was actually glad to hear his honesty. Many men claim they do not need compliments at all. “That’s a feminine need,” they say.

It is important to be clear about this. We all need appreciation. Every one of us wants to feel seen and valued. Men and women, young and old alike. Feeling appreciated is a human need, not a gendered one.

How to Ask for Appreciation Without Pressure

That brings us to the real question. How does a man ask his wife for appreciation without sounding needy or demanding?

The answer is to do it gently, naturally, and even with a bit of humor.

For example, while sitting together in the evening, he might say, “You know, this morning I felt real satisfaction helping you organize the house. At first I felt a bit torn because I missed the class, but afterward I felt good about being there for you. Still, I have to admit, it would have meant a lot to me to hear a word of appreciation.”

That is all. The message is clear, respectful, and easy to receive. It opens the door without pressure or blame.

A Small Invitation to Talk

And now it is your turn.

Women can ask themselves: do I regularly express appreciation for my husband?

Men can ask themselves: do I feel appreciated by my wife, and if not, what matters most to me that I would like her to notice?

From there, a real conversation can begin. One that brings clarity, closeness, and a chance for the relationship to grow stronger.

Rabbi Eliyahu Nakash is a marriage counselor and psychotherapist, and chairman of the organization Peace at Home.