Do You Really Know Your Wife? The Key to Strengthening Your Relationship

"I'm fed up. If she would really listen to me, all our problems would be solved. This conversation is utterly pointless; I already know exactly what she will do and how she will behave. No matter how many times I've talked to her, she always repeats the same mistakes.

"Instead of supporting me, Tzipi chooses to belittle me in front of my friends. She disparages all my professional achievements, and do not even get me started on how the kids look at me because of her remarks, as if I am nothing."

"Have you tried talking to her about it?"

"Talk? I stopped talking to her a long time ago. I already know what she is going to say; it is just pointless. It is over. We have nothing left to do together. This is a woman who does not follow her husband’s wishes and does not fulfill her role in the relationship. I know exactly how much she does not want to do what I want. I know her desires very well, and they are nowhere near mine."

"It sounds like you are really desperate about the relationship."

"There is no communication between us. It feels so pointless to talk to her; I can practically write down everything she will say because I know her so well, so I would rather stay silent."

When Knowing Becomes a Trap

"Maybe in a different situation, it would be possible to look at the fact that you know Tzipi so well in a positive light. In this case, it is quite clear that it does not come from a place that supports the relationship."

"Based on everything you have heard so far, can you not see clearly that this is her fault? Am I responsible for this rift between us? Do not all the examples show that?"

"Listen, we have no ability to fix anyone or force someone to take care of themselves. If you want something to actually change in the relationship, then the only change that can happen is with you, if you choose it."

"I wish. I do not want to throw away all these years; we have a big family, with many children and grandchildren."

"Then I will suggest another way of looking at your marital relationship, and maybe from that perspective, a possibility for healing and rebuilding will open up for you."

"Even though I am desperate, I am willing to hear everything."

"The fact that you feel you know Tzipi so well makes you lose patience with her."

"Why?" he asked in surprise.

"Because everything is clear and understandable to you, how she acts in the world and in your relationship. You put her in a mold that restricts and limits her, and this prevents her from connecting and trusting in your relationship. Through your decoding of Tzipi, a significant deterioration was created in your marriage, and it has made you feel burnt out, like watching the same movie a hundred times.

"In my opinion, this is the root of all the problems in your relationship, and it is exactly what negates the possibility of fixing it."

The Danger of Absolute Interpretations

"Maybe if you lived with her, you would understand these things. The fact is that everyone I have told agrees with me."

"Every time you reach that point where you explain Tzipi in such absolute terms and feel there are no other options for flexibility, you are actually killing the relationship. All the insights you have developed about Tzipi cause you to see her as something decoded, with boundaries that you have reached. You are stuck in that interpretation, and that perspective creates great stagnation and boredom.

"This is exactly what creates the evil within us: it causes us to feel what is close and familiar as scanty, poor, and limited, while what is distant and foreign feels rich and exciting.

"And that is an absolute lie. Because the potential in what is near and familiar is the ability to develop depth, whereas the distant always remains shallow."

Choosing the Relationship Again

"The feeling that you look at her in such a decoded manner has extinguished her spirit. Instead of your home and relationship giving her life, the outside and the foreign stifle her. Exactly the opposite has happened. When you continue to think of her in that decoded way, she does not feel the selective aspect of the relationship. She feels that you have to and that you have no choice but to stay with her. She feels perfectly how much you are not present.

"In Judaism, there is the option of divorce, and that is precisely the great wonder. Because of this, the possibility for a real relationship opens up.

"I suggest we try through therapy to reach a place of choice within the soul, and from there, make an authentic commitment and allow your wife's infinite possibilities to be expressed in the relationship."

This column was inspired by a lecture from Rabbi Ephraim Ehrenberg from the Higher School of Psychology.

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor 

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