The Courage to Be a Daughter: The Path to Becoming a Wife

"Overall, I am functioning quite well. I am highly valued at work, I have many good friends, I help everyone in my family, and I have generally always excelled at everything I have done," said Kabi.

"Why did you come to me now? What do you need help with?" I asked.

"Even though I am functioning very well, inside I feel very confused, weak, and lost. I feel so lonely and stuck in the same place for so long."

"I am so frustrated that I do not have a relationship, and also that I am looking for an apartment to move into and cannot decide what to choose," Kabi sighed.

The Cost of the Gap

"I think the energy you invest in maintaining the gap between your functioning outer self and the weak, confused, and frustrated inner self is draining a great deal of your vital emotional strength," I replied.

"I completely agree. I really wish there were no gap at all, and I do not understand why this gap was created. Please help me get rid of it," she said in despair.

"It is not easy to get rid of it. Underneath it all there is a very big fear. A fear of exposing our weak side, which is also full of fears and confusion. So we fill ourselves with illusions that as long as there is more control over our lives on the outside, it will calm our inner weakness."

"I believe that, with Hashem’s help, if I find a good and worthy husband, then all these weaknesses, fears, and confusions will disappear. I will finally feel secure and be filled with inner strength."

What a Relationship Can and Cannot Do

"That is a very important point you raised, but we need to understand it in a deeper and more precise way."

"The true strength of a relationship comes from exposing our weaknesses to one another. A partner cannot, and it is not their job, to solve our emotional difficulties. Most of the time, it is actually our partner who introduces us to the difficult and weak parts of ourselves that need healing."

"I cannot understand why I am supposed to connect with my partner through my weaknesses. Everyone sometimes feels weak and sometimes feels strong."

"When we become strong only because we are running away from the weak side, that starting point exposes a bitter truth. There is no real strength there at all, only an image of strength meant to overpower the threatening weakness we feel."

"It is important for you to notice that there are two conflicting systems within you when searching for a partner."

Image Expectation System. This system is driven by the need for control. You are looking for a husband you can engineer according to your precise desires and measurements.

Internal Expectation System. Here you are looking for a man who can give you security and can face the exposure of your weaknesses.

"By Divine Providence, you have not yet entered a serious relationship, because it would have been accompanied by an endless struggle between these two systems."

Marriage Is Not a Magic Solution

"Are you really telling me that if I got married, it would not solve my problems?"

"There are two possibilities. The first, through a miracle, is that Hashem might match you with a very understanding husband who will insist, fight for the relationship, and not be frightened by your attempts to run away. Slowly you would develop a sense of security, be able to expose your weaknesses, and a wonderful connection would be woven between you."

"I do not want to wait for a miracle. I want to deal with this now. What do we do?" she asked impatiently.

"The second possibility is to enter a relationship from a true place of faith. We will learn together how to expose your weakness and remain present with the pain this encounter awakens in you."

"The first place we will begin is your relationship with your parents, because this is your closest and most primary relationship."

Learning to Be a Daughter

"I do not know how this can succeed. For years I have been the responsible adult in that relationship. What do I have to look for there?"

"That relationship holds the foundations. We will begin creating a healthier connection in which you can trust and surrender to your ability to receive from your parents, and stop trying to be their parent."

"Once you succeed in being weak with them, the image you created will begin to break down, and you will not have to remain in control. Releasing control will allow you to bring faith and security into your relationship with Hashem, the faith that you are always loved, worthy, and wanted."

"The relationship does not depend on whether you are strong. Your mere existence allows you to be weak."

"So what? Now I am going to start fixing my parents? Hoping they will suddenly become responsible and caring?" she asked skeptically.

"You do not need to fix your parents. You just need to be their daughter. If you can truly be their daughter, then you can also allow yourself to be Hashem’s daughter."

"So are you saying now is not a good time for dating?" she asked.

"It would be a waste of effort and time right now. After the deep work we will do together over the next few months, something in you will soften. Then it will be possible. You will approach dating from a place of faith. A place where you can truly give yourself to a partner, not in order to hold onto him to solve your fears."

"You will not be looking for someone you can dictate to and program according to your will, but for a real connection where you can offer yourself honestly, exposed with all your weaknesses."

This column was inspired by a lesson from Rabbi Eliyahu Levi of the Higher School of Soul Science.

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor