The Default Is Distance: Rethinking Disappointment in Marriage

"I’m out of strength. I’ve lost all feelings of love for him. I truly don’t want any connection with him."

"He and I are just living side by side, and honestly, I’m okay with that right now," Ronit said in despair.

"Well, what do you expect? Am I a plant? If she doesn’t want me, that’s fine," Ilan fumed.

"Do you hear what I’m saying? He doesn’t even fight for me. What kind of man is that?" Ronit began to cry. "I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me."

"You don’t want a man. You just want a doormat," Ilan shot back, growing more agitated.

"But she does want you," I said to Ilan.

"What?" they both responded in astonishment.

The Space You Cannot See

"Try looking at it this way. From the moment of your wedding, you both entered a sacred spiritual space that belongs only to the two of you."

"I think Ronit pushed me out of that space a long time ago," Ilan interrupted.

"Despite what it looks like right now, that space has surrounded you from the beginning until today. It carries a shared desire for connection. In that space, your souls are capable of deep unity, both spiritual and physical. This is an inner desire that exists within both of you. At a soul level, you both truly want this connection."

"So how can she say she doesn’t want me? What is this, a split personality?" Ilan asked with a nervous laugh.

"It all comes down to one reason."

Living With a Mindset of Separation

"Our souls are enclosed in physical bodies that conceal the soul connection and create a mindset of separation."

"Because this separation feels so real, we believe the illusion the body presents. We experience this not only in marriage, but also in our relationships with our children and in our relationship with Hashem."

"If you understand that the relationship initially exists in a state of exile, it becomes easier to break free and move toward true connection."

"The feeling of exile and distance is actually the default state of a relationship. Recognizing this prevents you from losing hope."

"The real problem is that you are looking at your marriage through exiled eyes."

"Exiled eyes?" Ronit asked.

Exiled Eyes and Redeemed Vision

"Yes. On one hand, marriage is meant to be a space of unity and connection."

"On the other hand, you are viewing the relationship through a survival mindset filled with personal interests, fears, and emotions that serve only your own side. This perspective deepens the feeling of separation."

"I don’t understand. How are we supposed to look at this?" Ilan asked.

"The starting point is to understand that, at your core, your true inner desire is to live in unity and connection."

"The disappointment you feel shows up as lack of desire, insult, and hurt. But this stems from an incorrect assumption about marriage. You assume you should automatically feel connected. When that does not happen, you feel disillusioned and begin to give up."

"I suggest a different perspective. The default state of a relationship is exile and rupture. Occasionally, a miracle occurs and true connection is revealed. In those moments, the Shechinah dwells between you."

"All that remains is to live with anticipation for redemption. And when connection is not revealed, there is no need for despair. There is only the invitation to continue hoping."

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor